sTaGed

2011-12-08T06:19:00.000-08:00

haven't really blogged for sometime. also because sometimes blogging has lost its meaning. how "private" can it be? or do we really blog the truth? i would always try to hang on to the latter. though. it is not really tough to be honest. actually.

and since it is the holidays, i am really glad that i have 6 weeks to take a break. slack around. do nothing. (okie. obviously i can't be doing "nothing".) lolz. am suppose to complete 2 assignments by the end of the holidays but i have not started a single bit. i am practically lazy. well...i will start soon.

i am doing quite well. listening to nice songs when i am free. lying in the bed as if everyday has 240 hrs. of course, there are many things in life waiting for me to initiate or to start off; but i am too lazy to do them.

for the past semester, i have been pretty stress for no particular reason; feeling kind of down for no particular reason; and i would like to thank my friends for always being around. despite the fact that we are getting older, shouldering more responsibilities and having more important commitments in life. so i am always thankful for the support that they give. be it just a simple outing or a chat via wadsapp or a buffet lunch. everything is too precious; such that i should never ever take them for granted. be it which grp of friends, they make me forget about things which are in my mind subconsciously and let me stay the way i am.

as for the other aspects of life,
i am too timid to bring them on as of yet.
living my dreams would probably be the best thing i can try to do currently.
though i believe this route is never going to be easy
will still move on and try...

for one day,
i hoPe, i can do what i waNt and
be
REALLY HAPPY

＂喜欢一个人很容易，爱一个人之后再维持一段感情很难。＂
＂还是学不会。。。”
－林俊杰＜学不会＞
a very nice song~~

smile always
take care
(yanXing)2011

~something ordinary~

2011-10-17T12:39:00.000-07:00

my post got deleted after typing like for 15 mins?
nvm. lolz. life is always unpredictable. just like ur computer.

好糟糕的比喻。哈哈。

我最近过得还不错。真的是不错的。
有一天，我的好朋友告诉了我一句话，
算是当头棒喝的最好例子了。
“你真的是身在福中不知福啊！”
的确，我已经非常的幸福了。还有什么抱怨，我真的是被宠坏了。
可不想应验了“排行最小最惹人厌”的称号啊。

所以，有些人误以为现在的我十分反常。何谓“反常”？
其实这样的定义让人很无所适从。因为实在懒得解释，我只好一笑置之。

真的不是为了改变而改变，
而只是想和真的想说话的人说话，
想和值得成为朋友的朋友聊天。

这叫做～自～己～

当然，这样的“叛逆”生活只能是一部分而已，毕竟现实是无法容忍完全地“真实”存在的。

很多事情，
无论人事物
会随着时间而流逝，不经意地，我们也会渐渐淡忘。
当然如果太刻意只会造成反效果啦。

但是，我想说的是，
请不要把我设定在“理想的框架”中。
“理想”归“理想”，人不是为了别人而活。
这样，很辛苦。当然，这也只可能是生活的一小部分的宣言罢了。

太多废话了。
总之，人还是得向前看。
还有，如果我曾经不小心“骚扰”你，真的是万分致歉。
应该是我的神经线粗了；
我正在学习“不求人”，
又是谁说我不能“喜欢寂寞”呢？哈哈。

身体健康！
smile always
take caRe
(yAnXing)2011

rebalancing my life

2011-09-05T00:27:00.000-07:00

一直误以为自己可以像以往一样没有顾及地冲刺。
但是我的身体却不断地在和我作出无声的抗议。
近日不断地觉得疲倦，厌倦，甚至觉得读书是一件很辛苦的事。
已经没有往日那股不停歇的冲劲了。这样的感觉一点也不好。一点也不好。
身体原来那么地不堪一击。它原来真的需要好好地休息。
我却一直没有给予他任何休息的权利。真是实在可恶。

哈哈。

所以，近日，我实在累得快垮了。尤其是还要面对一些课业以外的事物。很是累人。
每天好像必须遇到不同的事物。无论是家庭也好，友情也好，爱情也好，
他们渐渐地都让我感到疲惫与盲目。我已经不知道我在做什么了。

所以，我真的希望。恳切地希望。
我能够认真地对待我的身体。和我想说话的人说话。如果我不想回答我就是不想回答的权利。
我再也不想为课业以外的事情而感到有压力。我真的是觉得够了。

所以。从今天起。
我只想做我想做的事。
做让我快乐的事情。
让我找回自己读书的快乐。
其他的事情和其他的人，我一点也不想再提也不想再聊了。
过去的事。我也不想再重提了。

依然相信，明天会更好。

smile always
take care
(yAnxing)2011

2011-09-02T05:41:00.000-07:00

the weather must have been pretty bad.
or i should blame it on my brother and sister. they might have passed the bacteria to me.
so, once a again, try as i might not, i am sick again.
i am like. how many more times must this keep going on.
just when i have finally resumed school and finally thought i can move on to my pace.
i realse that this "pace" is so difficult to maintain.
harder than the time i had a fall. or probably because i am simply giving myself too much stress.

but then, i doubt so. because everyone is behaving the same way as me. Just how they behave. that is the diference.

i had a really long class on wednesday: from a very early 9am to 6pm. i was actly sick from sunDay. but as usual, i will just be myself. CRAP. haha. went for steamboat on mondaY at a totally off-period. so my class on wedNesday actly freaked me out. because by 6pm; i felt that my body wasn't mine. i was SHAG. especially my face. i am so lucky there wasn't a mirror around. if not i would have puked at my own face. there was a dicussion at around 7pm. so i just hang and the discussion ended at 930pm? everything was actually wrong at 3pm. i was talking nonsense in tutorial, stammering and stuttering like nobody's business and i actually knocked into a glass noticeboard unconsciously. like slam onto it. i think my uni friends saw it and they kinda tot i must be mad. too stressed up. lol

wanted to cab but there was no cab. and to my amazement, i tot i had an illusion when i saw this couple at the bus stop that was PDA-ing 2 hrs before and 2 hrs after i reached the same bus-stop. i even asked my friend whether i was having an illusion. i think they must have heard it; that's why they turned and looked at me. but i couldnt really bother. cause afterwhich , i actually hailed for a school bus when i was waiting for a SBS bus.

probably because i was fortunate enough, i tried to keep calm throughout the journey. talk like the usual way, crap as the usual way, so when i finally reached circle line, i was like..."finally i am near home"...probably because i haven had a chance to relieve my stress or wadever, or probably because the heat was totally burning up my brain, as i see the crowd walking past me in CCL, i just felt so helpless. like oh gosh. am i going to faint here? the trauma of fainting is too huge for me. from previous records. lol. so thinking about the whole day's agenda, i actually teared. like why am i so CRAZY. hmmz. i think it is normal especially when u are alone and u thought something big is going to happen. thursdAy (after i saw a very inexperienced doc.), i practically became even more tired. my legs weren't behaving itself. they FELT so weak that i thought i was going to fall again. so during class, i kept standing up and down every 20mins or so...just to pre-empt that i won't fall. i think the ppl ard me must be tinking tat i am crazY.

so i have been resting and doing nth impt for the past 5 days. such that i hate myself for being so vulnerable to INFECTIONS AND VIRUSES. gosh. probably they liked me so much that they must stick to me. whatever.
and yes, i am going to sleep AGAIN.oh mine.

smile always
take care
(YanXing)2011

move on.

2011-08-12T12:02:00.000-07:00

如果有发现到会察觉我最近写的其实可以归类为两个字：废话。

这几次所打出来的字眼其实很多时候，就连我也不知道我是否真的这么想。
我想10年之后应该会觉得自己很幼稚吧。

school has finally started.
i am trying to get use to waking up early to get to school. so far.
still love the journey when i am on the train and on the bus.
probably because no one actually knows me. so it is really great. at times.

i realise i cant really tirate many things well in life.
apparently there are so much things for me to learn besides studying. of coz.
though i would say studying is part of my life. it will probably go on.

i tend to lose my balance and forget things sometimes.
reminding myself doesn't always seem easy, but i will try hard.
i need to stick to my goal, my aim and probably for now,
that is the most important priority.

i remember i was walking (probably like 10 years or 15 years ago),
i was walking pass this shop with my aunty and my siblings,
we saw this really cute statues that were smiling.
i remember the message from them till now.
sadly, i havent been doing too well but i believe i will try.
the world is too complex to understand,
what's more understanding a person.

不听，不看，不说
我会很努力地去做到。
让自己在这慌乱多变的人与社会之间找到属于自己的宁静。
毕竟我也已经23岁了。
该是时候让自己不要这么彷徨了。

加油。
yanxing
smiLe alwayS
take CarE(2011)

记得。今天起。

2011-08-08T09:49:00.000-07:00

这是我的部落格。私人的空间。
写什么，我相信应该都有一定的权利。
被束缚得太久，人会变得沉默，然后无趣。

我想因此，把我想说的都说出来。没有责任地说。

我们都认为。我们也深信。
人总是美好的。当我们呱呱坠地的时候，我们就有着这样的观念。
渐渐地，因为生活被社会现实所框架着，这样的想法受到了一定的扭曲。
开始觉得人并没有想象的美好。
甚至有一些与自己的想法有太大的出入的人。出现在和自己同样的星球上。
因为共存着，所以我们必须习惯，接受，容纳。

我呢？
很多时候，我无意识地习惯着生活。
安于现状，然后就这样地发呆者。
在遇到人生的一些挫折时，不是选择逃避就是选择用另一件事来掩盖之前的事情。
就这样，不停地继续地生活。
因为不喜欢冷场，所以娱乐大众。看到其他人笑，为自己能够都逗乐别人而感到开心。
所以当我沉默时，短短地5分钟，就会被归类为“你今天还好吗？”“你很奇怪！”
渐渐地，我远离沉默许久。
在生活中，我成了话匣子。只要觉得有空隙的时间我就觉得不自在。
有时候，说的笑话根本一点都不好笑，还要顾虑别人的反应。
甚至偶尔觉得自己很白痴。
或许，这是我至少觉得自己可以发挥所长的地方。
反正，我也找不到其他理由说明别人和我攀谈的原因。

所以，我偶尔觉得自己有些可悲。
连好好地做自己的勇气也没有。
付出了很多，也不见得会被珍惜。社会就是这样运作着。
但是我必须告诉我自己，我一定要这么做。
因为如果我连最基本的付出都做不到，那么我也没有什么生存的意义了。

但是因为如此，很多时候我忘了看看自己。
自己是否对得起自己。
对得起自己并不是说要宠爱自己。
是发自内心的对得起自己。

这个漫长的假期。直到现在，我才真正了解。体会。
我需要的不是人们眼中所谓的缺乏。
现在的我。
只希望能够努力。
努力地往自己的梦想出发。努力地学着做自己。
当然，在这样的过程中，我会失去一些什么。
但是人生本来就如此。不完美也是一种美。是吧？

明天起。
我想重新整理。
为自己的未来好好打算。
也不要辜负对我好的亲人和朋友。

失去了联络。
忘记了名字。
看清了生活。
放下了情感。
卸下了面具。

我要加倍地用心与努力。
好好地努力。才对得起自己。

smile always
take care
(yaNxing)2011

doraeMon

2011-08-03T11:51:00.000-07:00

我喜欢小叮当。
应该已经是不争的事实了吧。
至少认识我的人都知道我有多地向往拥有它。哈。

it has been my favourite since 1998.
when i was primary 4, i got this really cute doraemon keychain from my aunty.
the doraemon was hugging on to a doraemon. sadly, i lost it.
but from then on, my love for doraemon probably never end.

but the reason for liking it becomes different as i grow older.
initially, i loved it because of everything that i can find in its pocket, and its circular and short blue figure. like the "zhu qing ting" and "ren yi men" or even the "yin xing tou peng". all so cool. u can fly around, go anywhere u like, dont have to study for exams bla bla bla.

so i wish i was like nobita. cause nobita is so cute too! hahaha. and he found his love even though he wasnt really smart like 20 years or 30 years later. and shizuka is so cute. lolz.

nOw, i love doraeMon still. maybe not as craZy. buT it has becOme part of mY life. which i Hope i caN.
doraEmon is always out there. helping those in need. the ones who are bullieD. and doraeMon's worLd is really simple. everybody are friends and they live happily together everyday. no troubles. some little arguments but at the end of the day, each character lives in a happy family. and they have the best friends in the world. i wish i was part of ah fu, ji an, yi jing and da xiong sometimes. lol.
then again, i am dreaming of course.

当我觉得很累的时候，世界太乱的时候，不知道该做什么抉择的时候，
我都喜欢看小叮当。
它会让我记得我最初的梦想。会让我对社会，对人有更美好的想法。
让我觉得我要想他一样，对人好一点，再宽容一点。
他让我觉得我不是孤单的。因为我相信有一天，它会出现。（有点傻）
但是我想我们都希望自己都有它。
不是吗。哈。

i wish it would be here.
now.
lol.

yanxing
smile always
take care (2011)

internship and others.

2011-07-25T08:50:00.000-07:00

my 20 days of short internship is over. though i did not even complete the full 20 days to be exact. lolz.
i think i am kind of not very lucky this period.

i am been facing many tiny health issues that moves around the different parts of my body.
after struggling a few days with my foot, yesterday something came into my eye.
i hope it will recover soon. it is just unknown to the problems with my whole health system this year.
hopefully it will turn better.

internship was really a very short stint.
i wouldnt say that i manage to get a full experience of school life
but it kinda of made me more certain that this is what i want to do.
not 100% of course; but at least i am not rejecting it. lolz.
it is kind of fun to interact with students in general, teachers in general and the school management in general.
so within 1 big compound, u get to meet people all of walks of life.
isnt that quite a nice thing?
lolz.
i had really good friends too. really nice ppl that i met.

because of this internship,
i was kept rather (in fact extremely busy), kept occupied for quite some time.
so i had nothing else on my mind.
in fact i wouldnt say totally nothing,
but just that working made me see more things that i anticipate in the future.

of course i am not a fortune teller of any kind.
but to a certain extent, what will probably happen in the near future
let me reflect on the things i have done.
whether the right or wrong decisions have ever been made in life.

i guess some routes are tough to take.
or a challenge to move on.
we still need to walk across afterall.

there are just certain things in life
that i ought to give it a miss
or probably never get involved with.
i guess a gd friend of mine would say that i am deluding myself.
once again. lol.
such that i am so tired and worn out.

i guess there are people who knows me well enough.
but even if no one does, i don't blame them or i don't really bother. in fact.
i just need to ensure that whatever i am doing is right.
in my perspective.

so moving on to the future.
i guess there would be 1 thing i will never want to be involve in.
at least i can promise myself that quite certainly.

不懂就不要装懂。
不了解就不要装了解。
如果自己都没有信心
又何必拖累别人呢？

i am apologetic to the people around me who has been once
hurt by the times when i put things into actions too quickly.
without thinking of the consequences.

所以，我真的怕了。
所以，我想要继续往我原有的方向前进。
或许偶尔会觉得。肯定会觉得。有一些缺憾。
但人生何尝是完美的？
总不能太贪心。
因此，我领悟了。
我也知道了。

2 more weeks of holidays.
i will be reaDy for school.
it is sucH a lonG time...
and so manY things have haPpened
within this 8 long months of hoLidayS.

够了。
还真的不需要休息这么久。
也庆幸休息了这么久。
让我学习到在大学里学不到的东西。

smile always
take care
(yaNxing)2011

我对不起我

2011-07-03T13:22:00.000-07:00

不知道怎么开始说。
不知道说什么才能够让你更快乐一些。

再说什么都是错。
感情，总是那么令人难以捉摸。偶尔也令人畏缩。
或许我不适合感情。
感情也看不见我。

我对不起我。

我给你的你用不着了你也是去该有的快乐
付出的温柔在不属于我你无福消受谁应该难过
没事了没事吗？
坚强得太寂寞
脑袋空空难道是我要的结果

爱给了我什么没沉沦就超脱
爱不能伤害我还是我没爱过
我没做错什么却把一切错过
你是爱不起我我也对不起我

不敢看你就尝试看破别让伤口有机会发作
为小说剧情而惊心动魄好证明泪腺还没有萎缩
没事了没事吗？
自爱得太寂寞
一身清白难道是我要的结果

爱给了我什么没沉沦就超脱
爱不能伤害我还是我没爱过
我没做错什么却把一切错过
你是爱不起我我也对不起我

爱偷走我什么没损失更失落
爱不能伤害我是福气还是祸
我没胆量犯错才把一切错过
我没能留住我我也对不起我

smile always
take care
(yanXing)2011

school-pre.

2011-06-20T19:19:00.000-07:00

it is extremely rare that the computer lab in school is empty.
so it kinds of feel great. coming back to school during vacation time.
though you still see students from all over the world at this pt in time.

i was feeling rather complicated when i stepped back into school.
it has been such a long time. like 7 mths already.
what a long vacation i had. and so many things had happened.
i wish things would be normal when school resumes.
and i will be able to carry on the way i used to study.

despite the countless number of dark circles surrounding my eyes now.
i think it has a radius of about 10cm.
that is really quite freaky huh.
maybe i am just born wif it. lolz.

i will still think of the fact that i actually got 1 sem delayed.
which. i am still kind of upset. when i come to think abt it sometimes.
but afterall, it was a choice that i picked.
i was simply too exhausted from the stress that i gave to myself.
but i believe this is the way it should go.
and i hope i will be able to maintain or motivate myself more
when the new sem starts.

but before that,
i have another transition waiting for me.
it is a really short one but i hope things will turn out fine.
and it is going to start real soon.

i hope my friends are all doing well too.
i believe they will.

smile always
take care
(yaNxing)2011

束缚

2011-06-11T10:20:00.000-07:00

放了好长好长的假期。
差不多从以前到现在已经将近半年了。

很夸张吧。好长的假期。
连我敢到无比的可怕。
可怕在于，在休息的每一刻，我已经渐渐忘了原来的我是什么样子了。

在追求些什么呢？
心理是否得到应有的平静和快乐呢？
我真的让自己好好地休息了吗？

我好像需要和自己一个人好好地谈一谈。
像疯子一般？
也不到如此。只是。我很自私，所以很希望有这样私人的空间看看自己。

我只是很像单纯地找回自己最喜欢的生活步伐。
同时又能兼顾到自己的心头感受。

现在的我，思绪太复杂，容易被无聊的事情给牵绊着。
然后过着自己偶尔也会怀疑的生活。
因此，我会觉得好恐怖。

再这样下去，我应该真的会很彷徨。
我其实也不需要别人来了解。因为我自己本身复杂得连自己也觉得好可怕。

只要1个星期就好。
让我好好思考。
我该如何看待接下来的日子。
如果真的没有思考地活下去，
我会过得很累。
身边的人看到我也会累吧。

不好意思咯。

smile always
take care
(yAnxing)2011

what is going on.

2011-06-02T07:59:00.000-07:00

如果有如果。
真是一个很特别的世界。

还有什么说不出口。
就有一本字典那么厚的话没说。

你了解吗？
说了总是多余。
如果只是装着懂我，
然后就如此，
我看不出有什么好的地方。

这是我的罪过，
也无法赎罪。

悲观的一面是这么说着的。

就什么也不想了吧。
然后横冲直撞。
方向可以是美好的。
然后看见彩虹，阳光和幸福。

美好的未来就在前方。
只要在咬紧牙关一些，
只要在让自己松懈一些。

了观的一面是这么鼓励着的。

于是，
两者不断挣扎着。
从来没有所谓的结果。

知道吗？
smile always
take care
(yAnxing)2011

do u noe how lousy u r?

2011-05-20T12:03:00.000-07:00

i neeD an esCape.
anywhEre is fiNez.
from weird people.
especially people with LOW EQs.

i mean seriouSli.
what else can theY do besides scolding people for nO apparent reason.
i mean there is a difference between telling and scolding FYI.
u don't just scold people as you wish just because u are feeling lousy.
do u know irresponsible that is?
and what, when u need to get favour from someone else, u immediately turn into a bootlicker?

stOp scoLding someone when u have the same mistakes and u are 10 times worse okie.
that is like so unconvincing. seriousLy.
and fyi. do u just know that i just turned 23? oops. or that is just an excuse is it.

i just forgot, u don't feel for people actually. u only feel for those that are outside of u.
speaking of which, don't give me BIG LOGICS seriously.
i wish that u find urself someone that would be able the share the same frequency as u.
********************************************************************************

just let me grumble on.
PLEASE do not tell me how good life is for me.
seriously, take off that.
of course i am already veri fortunate.
yes i know.

if i can be stronger.
i would.
but this world has too many things, people that i need to give in.
i just feel like puking if someone comes ard and tel me that we have a gracious society.
what is gracious
when u can't even do it to people around u?
expect them to be a big balloon and swallow everything
until they just die quietly one day
and shed a few drop of tears for them?

or are u thinking that u are being "a big deal"
by being able to handle things well only after when someone has passed away?
oh mine gosh. wake up that idea.
life is to be treasured when ppl are around. make time.
don't give rubbish excuses seriously.

SICK of it.

we are all selfish afterall, arent we.
if i had no responsibilities now, seriousli i wish i can just vanish
somewhere.
and disappear
for a few days.
i mean for a few mths even.

smile always
take care
(yaNxing)2011

dreaMs.

2011-05-02T07:19:00.000-07:00

have you thought of what you wanted in life?
or was study-getting a job-married-growing old
always part of the pre-planned cycle that has been going on in ur mind since young?

i bet 90% of the people living on earth wouldnt feel this way.
but 90% of which are leading such a life.
and yes, that is life.
depending on we see it, it can be great; it can be a misfortune too.
well, at least, it is a sign of stability.

of course stability doesn't necessarily mean good things.
it captures the fact that everything is going the way it shld.
so it is kind of a pity that we are not having BIG dreams.

technically speaking, when we are living under a certain place,
working for a certain organization, or studying under a certain institution,
we need to abide rules. but rules make people dumb. sometimes.

and
yes.
i want to be a bitch for todae.
u know like those kind who will talk abt the neighbour in the next block or next door.
probably because there are a certain group of people.
who seriously have low EQs or simply, they do not have any etiqutte.
i doubt it is their parents' fault or anything gt to do wif upbringing.
they are probably just. venting their anger. and making dumb remarks. seriousli.

please never ever provide:
1) fake smiles- it is so fake that the whole world knows.probably they can win the razzies.lol
2) crude remarks- i mean leave it to ur son/daughters next time. cant ppl just have a better tone. oh pls. the whole world is stressed up. are u like the only one!
3) knives and double-heads: please stop making life miserable for urself. i bet it is tiring to live this way. but it seriously puts people off.

luckily the world is still curable.
at times.

but come to think of it,
ppl climb this way.don't they.
gross.

smile always
take care
(yaNxing)2011

beautiful

2011-04-10T09:29:00.000-07:00

本来好像说要接着从上一部分写下去。但最后什么也忘了。所以，算了。哈。倒不如记录现在的感受吧。我没有特别特别的感觉。好渺小的我只希望生活可以简单一些，安稳一些。偶尔有些美丽的惊喜。或许也不错。是否还记得小时候那些听似荒唐的诺言和誓约呢？ “我长大后要当医生！” “我要当亿万富翁！” “我要找到自己的白马王子,幸福地过着公主般的生活。” “我要当一个保护公主的小王子！” “我的志愿是。。。” 渐渐长大。我们努力朝着梦想出发，却也被现实束缚了。但是，现实，却，讽刺性地，是由人们建立出来的世界。难道他们也忘了最初的梦想吗？其实非也非也。只不过有些人选择为了早已点抵达目的地而作出了扭曲这美好世界的行为。这样的成就是否会快乐？或许对“现实”，已无所谓。我要的世界。我可以为了完成自己的而破坏你的。渐渐地，曾经实现的愿望，有一些人总会被淘汰。就如任何的事物一样，世界出现了弱肉强食的局面。我们曾几何时也从一开始的视而不见到潜意识地参与其中。有些可悲，有些刺激，有些不知所措。但是游戏会不断地进行着。既使你自己一点也不愿意，也不知道其中的所以然。但不知道比较好，不是吗？所以，我们需要和我们有着同样思想的人，告诉我们，也提醒我们，世界上有同类，也有懂你懂我的人。既使这个世界再怎么不符合自己的标准，在怎么看不过眼，还有这一群你可以倾诉，埋怨，嬉闹的人。家人，朋友，情人也好。因为如此，世界还是美好的。有些悲观，尤其处在一个不断往上爬的社会。所以，在这样的圈子里，在家人，情人，朋友中，我们也只该有信任，而减少不必要的猜疑。猜疑只会毁了这难得在茫茫人海中寻找的感情。在成长的旅途里，会有谁会一路相伴呢？在最后的最中，只真切地希望当人们都有了美好的关系时，他们也会对周遭的任何人给予多一些体谅，关怀与耐心。人生本来就是美好的。我恳切地盼望。有一天。我们都能以微笑相对。真诚。发自内心地。微笑。 smile always take care (yaNxing)2011

tomorrow's memories

2011-04-03T08:58:00.000-07:00

人的生命十分脆弱。我们从来都不会知道那一刻生命会结束。但我们也没有什么时间去想这些事情。 ************************************************************** 我不是太过悲观。只是幸福从来需要用努力去经营。快乐得来不易，但我们总爱不经意地把它摧毁。我尝试，也希望自己能够努力，保护好这一切的得来不易。在享受任何的过程的当儿，我知道我要知足。感谢这一切，我在乎的任何在乎我的人，但愿都平安快乐。 ************************************************************** -待续- smile always take care (yaNxing)2011

absoluteli

2011-03-10T07:45:00.000-08:00

living in contradiction.
do we always face that as part of our lives?
always trying to achieve a balance in life.
it is sad. triggers a bit of upsetting moments.
when you know that what you want is essentially covered up.
due to realities. due to practicalities.
isn't this world revolving this way?
when you are jammed. when people move around at high speed.
when you are thinking that you need a space to breathe.
and when the population density is so high.

are we suppose to learn the art of living in the society.
indeed, we don't expect the world to change for us.
only we, can learn to adapt to it.
be it any unwanted feelings faced in any part of our life,
we. are. always learning. to. be patient. to be well-learned.
but how many actually give up in the process.
and get swallowed by their ugly side?
becaus of realities again?

no fantasizing.yes.but definitely not just being too realistic.
we are not born with good tempers. but we can learn to train ourselves.
but this isnt important. cause some of us dont even have the time to learn.
what a gracious. world.
time is moving. so that would be the best excuse. i suppose.
so no one can afford to rest...
unless u are living
in the world where ur prince or princess will make u happy with tons of money.
and u can just. splurge.
how...
impractical?

smile always
take care
(yanXing)2011

180210

2011-02-18T09:31:00.000-08:00

最近过着一种很特别的生活。
说不上来算是什么；但是就是参杂了所有的情绪。

先说一些不太重要的事情吧。
其实没有离开有点无奈。
这样的处境也有些失落。
但也还好。一直想，应该是要我留下来吧？
还是本来就是自己的固执心理作祟；
才搞成如此的结果？
因为需要思考，所以我也不想再想。
既来之，则安之。
很多时候，环境不断改变，我们都得学会适应。
在所难免。

总是在得到与失去是之间寻求平衡。
但什么才是平衡呢？
*************************************************************************

开心的事也不是没有。
只是有些开心，埋在心底，自己了解这样的感受，也很不错。
感觉有些忐忑，有些不知所措，偶尔还挺好笑的。
总有些事情在脑海中盘旋，浮现；然后自己傻笑着。
偶尔想像个孩子般。然后说一些不着边际的话。也很特别。
虽然。曾经。觉得。有些不可能。还包括一些。最后会怎么样呢。
但是。想填满。想缝补。用心意让这一切都渐渐消失。
我还在学习。学习如何。让自己。更了解。更加疼惜。
这我曾经差一点错过的。最重要的小事。
*************************************************************************

smile always
take care
(yanXing)2011

wad.

2011-02-07T06:39:00.000-08:00

有一些事情不需要多作解释。
有一些事情也难以解释。
有一些什么，不是说了就会怎么了。
我们都害怕迷失。
尤其当下一步变得忐忑不安时。
自食其果还是真的委屈？
我无法自圆其说。
无奈的情绪算什么呢？
我好像体会到了一些。
虽然我无法解释清楚这样的感受。
虽然若无其事地看待好像也太虚假。
但我还是想保持乐观。
最基本的。自给，应该继续停留。
继续快乐。

yan xing
smile always
take care
(2011)

posting>>>

2011-01-27T18:34:00.000-08:00

was quite tired yesterday.
so i actually lie down on the bed @ 3am. lolz.
and what was more eventful was that i couldnt slp all the way till 6am. wahahaha.
just closed my eyes, thoughtless, and it doesnt feel too good la.
luckily and fortunately i am feeling quite fine todaY.

i wiLL probably and shoUld be going for an "escape" to somewhere out of singapore soon.
not really looking forward, but betteR than nothing. lol~

偶尔会想起你
还是难免会突然一鼻酸。
习惯于你理所当然地存在着，
当你不在了，
我佯装一切依然安然无恙。
也的确过得很好，只是偶尔看到背影穿着蓝色衬衫时，
或有时瘫坐在熟悉的沙发上，
会不经意地想起你。
我想，这就是所谓的淡淡哀伤。
没有所谓的大哭大闹，
有的只是时过境迁以后的怀念。
有一些人事物，这一辈子，都会留在我们心中，
偶尔泛起涟漪。
原来感觉即是如此。

****************************************************************

你听说过吗？
你曾遇见吗？
在遥远又莫名的星球里，
你是否期望有一与你有相同频率的人出现？
生活偶尔难免让人感到孤寂，
心情偶尔难免会跌到谷底。
偶尔脆弱的人们，总是自以为地活着。
从来不承认自己偶尔也需要有人陪着自己。
吃饭，谈心，说笑话，唱歌，简单地寒暄。。。
很多人或许都努力地告诉自己可以活得很好吧。
我当然不怀疑。尤其是单身率高的新加坡社会里。

但就因为或在新加坡如此高压的环境里，
我们或许更爱压抑，因此忘了我们最终的基本需要。
心灵上，我们都是否得到了适时地慰藉？

smile always
take caRe
(yAnXing)2011

nO big deaL

2011-01-15T06:23:00.000-08:00

it is week 1 of the new semester.
i am totally not following my schedule like wad i always do previously.
not that i am in the mood for exchange-like wow! that's great!
but i am just not ready for school yet.
i fear that feeling. like sleep, sleep and sleep. so it basically makes me loss.

i have so many things that i need to do tie up.
choosing to leave it alone and rot is a really bad idea though.
but rationale doesnt seem to go with emotions. ha.

i want to meet the ppl i have met b4.
wondering how they are doing.
how is their life now.
facing stagnation? moving on like a free bird?
observing others make me reflect my own life too.
kind of. special.

do we. at times. feel that we haven been lying through our teeth.
and we do not know that it is wrong?
i seriously don't like escaping to problems.
i find it a really dumb idea.

不要太了解我比较好。
有时候适当的距离是最美的。
如果看了太多，是否会太现实？

人向来有太多的顾虑。
说什么“活在当下”。
但是之后呢？
都是一些偶像剧才有的话。
偶尔虚假得可以。
如果世界不那么灰暗
或许这一切会比较可行。

简单的。
最幸福的。
我们都想拥有。
但是总是那么困难。
曾几何时真实的话语变得如此难以启齿？
太过简单的人，在这样的世界里，只会变傻。
但是。这样的位置其实最好。
什么都知道。什么都不知道。
我乐意。

smile always
take care
(yaNxing)2011

chOicE

2011-01-10T07:35:00.000-08:00

actually i shldn't be starting school tmr.
but some really dumb reasons made things complicated.
so i will just take it like a usual semester.

it is 2011.
and i am already 22.
that is still quite young.
but that also means that i have passed primary and secondary school.
and the many other childhood memories that i have had.
when we were still little
faults were never faults
boundaries were always clear.
emotions were simple.
life was easy.
there was nothing much to worry.
particularly living in Singapore.
i suppose. to the majority.

when we get older.
the responsibilites come.
naturally sink in.
not giving us much time to anticipate.
dealing with complexity
handling "adult" issues
and learning to control never-seen-before emotions.
we lose things, we gain things, we grow things, we throw things.

such transitions.
often make us lose certain things called "identity".
i am learning to pick mine.
not really easy.
when you need to look @ the world.
the big crowd.
that you know, you hear and you think of.
trying to satisfy, trying to bring across, trying to learn as well,
it is all mutual.

i want to head to the right direction.
never loss in the middle of nowhere.
could i?

smile always
take care
yAnXing-2011

2011-01-09T10:56:00.000-08:00

woke up in a series of really clear events.
it is the new year and i am glad everything is still going fine.
things are getting better for everyone around me.
though some are not, i believe it will.

this is a small world filled with too many unknowns.
i hope i will live to discover all of them.
and achieve things i want in life.

smile always
take care
(yAnxing)2011

stubborn patient

2011-01-01T11:04:00.000-08:00

i have not blogged for like 11 days.
uh~that is quite long when it is the holidays.
actually i did~just that i didnt feel like posting them.
they are too "raw".

i guess i am a stubborn patient.
after getting discharged and given mcs, i chose to ignore it.
not that i do not know i am sick, just that i don't feel sick. (i mean of course i wouldnt want)
i am just losing strength.
how does it feel like?
actually it is quite scary.

the 1st time i lost my strength.
i was really upset. (within my heart of coz)
i was upset not just because i couldnt pull myself up,
but also i don't like the feeling at all.

in fact i thought lying in the hospital would be ok.
you know, like many friends coming to visit you.
for once, you feel "popular"
but everything seemed wrong.
the atmosphere is awkward.
your friends are staring at you.
you repeat the same questions.
you feel terribly weak.
and you don't really wish to say much.
despite the fact that you appreciate your friends for coming.
oh~and the visiting hours is really bad.

so i got discharge, thinking i would be a good fellow.
but this idea seemed totally out of place.
i am really upset about the idea that staying late is getting tough for me nowadays.
i realise my strength gets a lot weaker at late nights.
especially my lower limbs.
my machine gets cramp at times.
i really don't like this feeling.
because i seriously love going out at night-like 1am or so.
i mean i do rest-just that i sleep all the way till the afternoon.

but i know what i should do.
just that my heart isnt following so.
and talking about that,

i think my heart is not feeling too well.
both physically and mentally.
oh~i think it is a bad thing to say such things in the 1st day of new year?

basically, i want to clear everything up.
my books, my notes, my emotions, my health.
i hope they are all going to be cleared clean and good.

sometimes i will like tell my friends how uncomfortable i am feeling.
but i think that makes me very 12 year old.
someone who likes to grumble for nothing.
so i choose to keep.
and i hate the idea of chatterbox.
though i know i am probably unknowingly one.

whatever the case is,
i hope 2011 would be a promising year.
this blog is really much alright.
i had a 1st 2011 blog that was too emotional.
so i practically put it under "draft" so that ppl won't ask me what happened.

when i have enough confident, i will probably publish all my "Drafts".

life goes on.
i will live on for my dreams.
just like most of us does.

smile always
Take care
(YaNxinG)2011

the good and bad.

2010-12-21T07:49:00.000-08:00

it has been mentally and physically draining for the past 2 weeks.
too many things happening consecutively.
Not just the fact that there is no time to rest, i have been worn out, emotionally to a certain extent.
these days really flew. it is really funny cause my mind is in a total blank.
i am not thinking much and saying wadever i want say. not filtering too much.
i hope these will never happen again.

fortunately there are still little surprises that i am glad is happening.
giving me a little more comfort.
this provides me with more concrete direction of my goal in life.

there are things that will never occur.
so sometimes we should look at the brighter side.
well, it is just another day.
things will pass.
not to worry,
i suppose

smile always
take care
(yanXing)2010

whEn wHat whEre

2010-12-12T09:44:00.000-08:00

holidays started long ago. like after my last paper on 30th nov.
probably we should never celebrate too happily.
wished i had much more rest though.
but fortunately i am only 2 weeks to holidays.
things have been happening unexpectedly.
just hope that everyone is fine.
the unwell recovers soon. see a new year.
see my graduation?
i have always been optimistic. believing optimistic makes good things come true at times.

*****************************************************************************

有些事情很令人厌烦。
尤其是一些不在控制范围的事情。
然后全世界当作笑话一般对待。
从来没有想过当事人的心情。
很多次我都觉得这个世界的人都是邪恶的。
这样的想法使我完全无法相信世界上的任何人。
被取消，被误会，被冤枉，被嘲笑，
这些事情不断重复地发身在自己身上。
虽然很用力一笑置之，
但是当很多人都用这样的眼光对待，是会累的。
当然，这个世界本来就是这样的。
以拿对方做样品般来取乐？
再多的努力是否只是颓然？

*******************************************************************
爱来来去去走走停停
不论多小心
说过不放感情直到我遇见你
这不是运气是种默契却让我恐惧
哦你会不会
热情往往会减退 (决心最后会撤退）
对不对

（很好听。梁静茹-你会不会@ 情歌没有告诉你）
*********************************************************************

may everything and everyone whom have been nice to me stay healthy and joyful.
smile always
take care
yanXing (2010)

2010-11-14T08:00:00.000-08:00

when things are in the middle they are always tough.
just like exams. when you are running 2.4km and you are not even 1/2 way done.
so you just need to perservere and move on.
we can all do it. probably with 100X more might!

虽然说考试和成绩不能衡量人的价值
但是在这样的的环境中我们依然需要鼓励
尤其在一个凡是只往上看的世界。
虽然可怜得可以
但是这就是现实。
所以不如把最好的呈现出？

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2010

-sleepy-

2010-09-27T14:03:00.000-07:00

it is 5am.
but i am actly not home.
fortunately it feels still alright because coffee club is a really nice place.
and drinking melon tea makes you feel awake (Even if you are really tired.)
i will probably sleep like a dead log on tuesday night after lessons and tuitions.
grr.
module work is getting tough as well.
i am not so slack ok.lolz.

smile always
take care
(yaNxing)2010

~recess week~

2010-09-21T11:48:00.000-07:00

6 weeks just left. like nobody's business.
but i should be thankful that things are alright.
at least they didnt get out of hand. i suppose. that is already sth worth celebrating.

school work is starting to pile a bit. which i hope i can clear them. but project is coming. so it is all a clash. and i finally got a chance to change my tracks in the blog. like finally~~~

today wasn't a really happy day.
actually i only have myself to blame.
but anyway, i thought i saw this coming.
i still chose to hang on. probably just couldn't "throw face"
but seriously don't like to be accused.
well that is just part of the world.
people shoot off whatever they want.
whether it is hurting or not.
are we all getting more self-centered?
都是“我”“我”“我”
my family, my son, my daughter, wadever.
since we share no relations, you are just none of my concern?
ripping off another page of fantasy.
what's there to believe in?
let this carry on...
till the day we all realise that we have 1 last day.
probably we would also love to die and get buried alone.
so everything becomes all about oneself.

and so wadever goes on. just go on.
the world just wouldn't change.
especially in this society.

though i do believe that things can be simple. at least to me. they should be.

smile always
take care
(yanXing)2010

重视。重视

2010-09-06T09:42:00.000-07:00

这一两个星期异常忙碌。
无论是时间上或精神上。
偶尔做了迷你的云霄飞车，实在吃不消。

但现在的我其实什么也不想听。
我只是单纯的希望要获得快乐的人能够快乐。
不曾真正经历过的事情，我完全不想经历。
只奢求平安。

会过去的。
虽然我这样的想法似乎不符合大家的逻辑思考。
就当我幼稚吧。
至少让我继续做着这个美梦。

即使会有些疲惫，
但只要一切都雨过天晴，
总是值得的。
我相信。真的相信。

smile always
take care
(yAnxing)2010

明白。

2010-08-14T09:47:00.000-07:00

新的学期开始了。事实上，一个星期已经过去了。
一切都过得很平顺，所以还是值得庆幸的。

总是觉得在这样的空间里要写什么都有一定的拘束。
所以，其实很多时候很多事情，到头来，并没有提起。
我想，很快我应该有更好的平台来完成这件事情。

但这一切或许真的不太重要。
我想，在简单的人生里，总不应该对太多的事情抱着太多希望。
当然，有希望是很好的。
只不过换个方式看，在这个脚步从未停止的城市中，
形形色色的都市人永远到来，离开。
这只不过是正常的循环模式。

其实在很恐怖的一瞬间，我对这样的世界是失望的。
因为存在着太多假惺惺。虽然我必须告诉自己人还是善良的。
在这样越来越纷乱的世界里，我惟有继续保持原来的我。
或许，我也在不知不觉改变了些什么，
但是，我想至少在我的认知世界里，我依然只想舒服地做我自己。
继续在我的领域里追逐梦想。

至于一些永远得不到答案的人事物，选择埋葬，然后遗忘，让自己放空未尝不是件好事。
到了这个时候，快乐也比较容易寻获。

无论如何，在这样喘不过气的世界里，大家依然要努力加油！
哈。

smile always
take care
(yanXing)2010

2010-08-06T10:59:00.000-07:00

要开学了。
又是一个新的学期。

i did quite a few things for this long long holiday w/o working. and i am actually quite amazed that 3 months actually pass so quickly. i got to meet people that i have not met for a long time; i joined an external organization; i had a long 9 day break to recharge overseas; i had time to read books that made me laugh on the MRT (though this sounds really stupid); i had time to rot in the living room and just stare at any blank space for 10mins (though this sounds really short); i had the time to eat-sleep-eat-sleep-eat-sleep for at least 3 days out of my whole holidays; i started learning the very challenging violin (since i am not musically-inclined); i enjoyed the many many funny birthday celebrations within this 3 months...

probably i did more things. but i am just really thankful for what went on for this BIG holiday.
and hopefully it ended on the right note. since i really think school should more or less start. if not i will really need to find something else to do.

for everyone and for anyone,
may you be blessed with the best of everything and anything for the rest of the year ahead.

smile always
take care
(yAnxing)2010

taiwan trip 19-07-10 to 27-07-10

2010-07-27T11:44:00.000-07:00

从很期待的假期回来了。
9天的长假还挺长的。甚至有一点累。
但还好。我有一群认识了这么久的朋友一起结伴。
难得回到最简单的时光，虽然回程难免落寞。
但是我依然感激我有这样的机会。
这或许是最纯粹的快乐了。

smile always
take care
(yanXing)2010

bleahz

2010-07-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

was browing through the internet and woo!
ha. something special brightened up my day.
i hope this doesnt onli happen once though. = )

anYway, recently i have been busy with tuitions. tuitions and probably more tuitions.
not that i have nothing betteR to dO, just that i need to probably start saving money after this whole 3-months vacation where i am simply spending $ away.

went for mY friends' commeNcement todAe. it felt very S.O.P (probably because i am not the one involved this year) so it was just quite normaL. but i could feel that wow. it really symbolize that you have really moved on to the next phase of your life. just rather annoYed by the fact that the whoLe worLd needs to fight to take photo with one backdrop. couldnt thEre be more? ooPs. anYway, jumping looks pretty cool though. (i mean with the hat). lolz

keep Ls-ing sinCe fridaE morning for 4 days continuously. probably too much gas. hahAhA. i hope i can get out of this "difficult" situation soon.

shouldn't post anitink tat look eMo dis time.
since i will probably be stereotyped as being "emo". again.
lolz~

smile alwayS
take care
(yaNxing)2010

forgiveness.self-esteem.integrity

2010-07-04T09:39:00.000-07:00

time to blog agn.
after 1 week has passed.
life is still the same. though a lot of leisure time has been cut down.
i am sort of needing a bit of money. but i hope i can still cope.
many things will be still on credit though.

认真的游戏着。
但游戏能有多认真？

希望得到原谅，
但原谅之后的谅解呢？
总是在“一时冲动”和“不小心”之间作出一些令人无法宽恕的事。
之后才奢望得到别人的谅解。
我需要被原谅。
说过的话，做过的事，都希望能够被删除。曾经伤害过的人事物，希望他们都过得比我说得还好。
因为曾经懵懂，因为曾经自以为，
所以犯下了一些不该有的错误。
现在的我，
似乎要更懂得“不听，不看，不说”才好。

至于那一份似乎永远缺少的一块，
也不是说没有希望会拥有过，
只不过如果人生必须缺少什么，
我宁可是这一部分。
你应该知道的。
不是我不明白。

smile always
take care
(yAnxing)2010

sLeepy

2010-07-01T09:05:00.000-07:00

feeling quite tired.
so this is how it all feels when u are 22.
you can't really stay awake for the whole night.
it is not like when you were 16; when you could just feel energetic even after 1 day of activities.
cruel body.ha.

beginning to realise that doing a part for the community is not as simple as it might be.
sometimes much things are hidden and commercialized. small organizations don't really stand a chance to get good events. i guess that is 1 reason why people choose to be oblivious to community work.

be it here or there, i start to feel that having too much things at one shot during the vacation is really not a good idea. but this is probably a necessity. one, to kill time. two, to fill up my pockets and then spend 'em away agn in taiwan. @ the multiplier effect. lolz. i am such a good global citizen.

for one thing, i hope i can be more organized.

smile always
take care
(yanXing)2010

路

2010-06-24T09:56:00.000-07:00

你要走去哪里呢？
然后，定格，停顿，慌了。

方向总是搞不清。
明明在操纵方向盘的是自己。
然后却把罪怪在路线的设置。
人，最懂得，也最厉害的，是自欺欺人。
但是，我们却从来懂得认账。

总是掩饰伤心，却又想得到关心。
想要分享快乐，却又怕别人不快。
所以我们总是无法好好地表达自己。
最后，才恍然发觉失去了自我。
但是，这当然只限于说说而已。
说说，因为我自己有时候也做不到。

要找到平衡点，有时候，真的很难。
有了这些，总会少了那些。
还是不要太贪心好了。
当然，依然要懂得加油。
无论天气多么不如意。
或者是当你找不到路时。

那种感觉真的很不好。
记得一次在繁华的街道上行走。
忘了戴眼镜。
那时突然感觉特别心灰。
是因为一个人的缘故？还是因为真的不适应人多的地方？
无论何种理由，是否又会陷入自欺欺人的困境呢？
哈。人。总字面上就已经是一个爱逞强却又不敢说的字。

纯粹个人见解。
如有类同，最好不要。
哈哈。

smile always
take care
(yaNxing)2010

happy-go-round

2010-06-21T09:14:00.000-07:00

6 weeks of holidays.
and i still have one big lump of unpacked exam notes lying around the living room.
this is the best example of being lazy.
will do something with them tomorrow hopefully.

hmmz.sometimes i wonder life is just so uncoincidental.
when we have nothing much to do, we really have nothing.
just when we are about to start learning something new,
suddenly there is so much untouched work to complete.
grr~
anyway, my new companion is really freaking me out.
i know i am not musically-inclined. but 实在是难得离谱。
of course, the spirit of money tells me that i shouldn't waste them and drain al my efforts away.

犯贱的人类。
永远无法满足自己的欲望。
世世代代永远不变。
所以追求，收获，再追求，没完没了。
渐渐向花瓣般，或许能获得久一些，随之枯萎凋零。
两鬓斑白，回顾一生，留下徒然？
反反复复，从不停止，一直循环着。
就是逃不出，选择越爬越高。
我又何尝不是在这样的圈子打转的其中一分子呢？
但最后的最后，
是否只是也想如平常人一般得到别人的认可和慰藉呢？
哈。都说了。人都是犯贱的。
我想，我也不例外。

smile always
take care
(Yanxing)2010

10 years.

2010-06-15T08:51:00.000-07:00

had a realli scari dream yesterday.
that i was pushed down into the deepest sea ever; a bottomless one probably.
being really scared of water, i probably freak out and woke up from this scariest dream ever.
to die in such a way, oh gosh.
i hope it never happens.

moving on to a lighter tone, met my friends @ old town todaY. wanted to discuss the taiwan itnerary but oni took 10minutes to do so. haha. cause it was more or less confirmed.

then started looking at old photos.
just to realise that how much 10 years can change the look of a person.

十年的进化，
十年的演变，
变的到底是什么？

whatever the case, one of mY clique's friend is leaving for USA in 2 days time!
probably around 2 months. i believe it will be an enriching one. i guess.
good opportunities like this are often really RARE.

i guess i am going to lead a busY life soon... probably. = )

smile always
take care
(yAnxing)2010

2010-06-14T12:04:00.000-07:00

朋友说我的部落格为什么没有音乐衬底。
所以就去看了看，然后加了一两首歌。
原来做这些东西也要这么久。
应该是我不够科技化。
还好，证明我还是个人类。
有感情。还好。

smile always
take care
(yanXing)2010

2010-06-10T09:18:00.000-07:00

当你看见花瓣渐渐凋零时，
你会否开始手足无措？

我早就忘了曾经算过几千次的自己。
原来这些所谓的方程式都只是愚昧表现的其中一种。
如果还一味地认为人生什么都能按部就班，那么总有一些事情是无法预料的。

当风渐渐吹起时，我会希望把一切片断忘却，然后重新开始。
即使在新的一首歌中还是少了那一部份最重要的旋律，
我会用其他的方式弥补。或许这不足以使歌曲变得完美，
但是至少努力修补。虽然偶尔努力使不足够的。我却不想承认。
不想承认只要努力就能获得100分。

最好的事，
听说会在最美的时候发生。
人生总有缺陷，
如果是如此，还会有足以让人流连忘返的旅程吗？

都自以为要求的快乐很简单，
但是在经过了人生中的不同阶段时，
我们是否能够依然保持中立？

太多的不知足。
太多的未知数。
只会造成更多的烦恼。

或许吧。
或许人都是需要依赖，也是给予别人依靠的动物。
这是一种循环。
即使在清高的人，在脱下了最后一层伪装时，谁还能保持坚强。

但所幸的是，在脆弱的背后却依然存在着一股推动自我的能量。
这样的能量必须慢慢挖掘。
虽然很辛苦，但是找到了是巨大的收获。
即使一个人走，也不算空手而回。
一步一脚印，
这是属于自己的，惟一的，也只有一次的。

那些流言，就让它如流水般，
那些嘲讽与批评，就让它如空气般，
消散。

走出最大的一步。

smile always
take care
(yanXing)2010

too free.

2010-06-07T09:14:00.000-07:00

haha. i am recently too free.
seriously because i don't have to work.
and the fact that i don't want to work. = )
but i will still think of ways to meet my livelihood...
like robbing, snatching and shoplifting...(YA RIGHT!)
lolz~as if i will ever dare to do so.

sleeping at 3am (Earliest) and waking up at 1pm (earliest) is a sin.
i promise myself to get out of this vicious cycle ASAP.
i am looking forward to what is happening 2 days later.
i wonder whether it will be something great.
though it will cost a bomb.
yet it seem to be time to pick up something.
something that i have probably not been given a chance to do when small.

smile always
take care
(yAnxing)2010

walk the line.

2010-06-06T09:43:00.000-07:00

1 month of holidays have passed.
it feels like a breeze. that finally and it actually passed.
there are so much things out there.
i have so much more to try out.

if i had a checklist,
i would want to tick them one by one.
before i start to age.
(probably talking abt aging now seem too serious a tone. ha.)

anyway,
if you are also having your holidays,
have a wonderful and relaxing one.
-one that you would have been longing for. = )

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2010

what is wrong with me.

2010-06-04T11:41:00.000-07:00

1 month of holiday is over.
and i haven done anything meaningful.
wasting my holidays like anything.
sleeping at 5am has been a common routine.
what is wrong with me?

如果有人真的听得见的话，
那么我希望有人可以告诉我现在的我到底想要什么。
是真的老了吗？
我开始怀疑自己。多了无力感，少了以往的气息。

在这样的时候，我却只能欲哭无泪。
在这样的时候，我却无法说什么。好像说一句话也很累人。
我不知道从前那个似乎很幽默的我跑去那里了。
现在的我，像小时候的我。总是忧郁，但却没有特别的原因。
这样是很辛苦的。但就是不知道我现在的方向是什么。

我很怕，但却没有可以让我放心倾吐的对象。
更糟的是，我竟然越来越不懂得和别人沟通。
课本好像更适合我的世界。与白纸说话已经成为了比朋友更容易的事了。
偶尔，我竟然喜欢和玩偶说话。
我觉得，好累。但却不知道在累什么。

我知道。
这绝对不是我要的生活。
我不要。
我不要。
我不要。

我不喜欢迷失方向的世界。
迷失了自我，努力寻找，却怎么也找不到。
尤其是当看见每个人似乎都有自己的定位。
而我呢？我的定位是什么？
有时候，很可悲的认为自己是被人用的垃圾桶。
有需要的时候就用。
虽然这样的想法是很不应该的。
是啊。
全世界都在为自己而活。
那你还在等什么呢？
你为什么还是做不到呢？？？

都已经22岁了!
是啊。都已经22岁了。
你的定位在那里？
你的人生又做了些什么？

所以，我欲哭无泪。为自己这样的感到恐惧。

明天，你会更好吗？

smile always
take care
(yanXing)2010

给自己的一封信

2010-06-03T08:54:00.000-07:00

总是希望能够在自己的世界里写一些真的属于自己的东西。
今天终于鼓起一丁点的勇气。或许是时间太多吧。
过了21年的生活，我想我是时候写一封信了。

写一封给自己的信，给从前的自己，现在的自己和未来的自己。

衍兴，你过得还好吗？
人生已经过去了四分之一，一切是否都如你所想的顺利精彩呢？

你要记得。
千万不要随便让自己的脚踩到东西，要不然最后会花一些冤枉钱看医生，最后还得照顾自己的身体，多么地不值得。

你还记得吗？
小时候妈妈总是叫你要把盘里的每一颗饭粒都吃完。可是你却充耳不闻。结果呢？就如传说般，过几年后，脸上长满了青春痘。记得！在这样的时期，你更不可以用手去抓，否则只会自食其果，然后脸上出现一道道向铁轨的线条。不但要花钱慢慢修补，还偶尔会被人取笑。虽然你最后知道你会习惯这样的脸庞，可是在街上看到一些肌肤光滑的脸蛋，心里仍然会有些许难过。你要加油，了解自己有其他的优点。即使人们都看不到。

你还记得吗？
小时候总是不曾珍惜有父母的日子。每天理所当然地活着，从来不去享受家庭的美好与天伦之乐。还记得当时父亲每天买包和点心回来的画面吗。记得告诉他要戒赌，要不然的话，你过几年后再也吃不到他买的叉烧包和点心了。现在的你虽然仍然有个好母亲，日以继夜地为你像个女佣般服侍你，但是你要记得叫她要少喝一点酒。不要躺在厨房里睡觉。偶尔也要对自己的母亲表示多一点关心。虽然你知道她做了一些令你难过的事，但是你一定能够要记得她比任何人都还要伟大。因为她，才有了现在的你。因为她决定掏出最后仅剩的10美元，你才有机会任性地和朋友去圣诞节到卡拉ＯＫ唱歌。所以，不管人们对她有什么偏见，你一定要记得，她是独一无二的。

你记得吗？
小时候的你总是很喜欢和你的哥哥打拳。然后偶尔会拿你来做wrestling的武器。哈哈。那却成为了人生最好玩，也最单纯的时候。庆幸的是，你和你的姐姐和哥哥到后来都会维持很良好的关系，而且会因为人生一些特殊事件的发生而变得更加要好。虽然你们不常见面，但是依然有话题可以说，也有很多无所不聊的废话。记得，这样的关系是难能可贵的。尤其是当你在后来看见自己的母系家庭中所发生的一些令人寒心的事情。

你记得吗？
小时候的你总会认为排名第一是很重要的。所以你总是小心翼翼地努力，更怕输给别人。这样的行径渐渐变成了骄傲。还好，你慢慢地了释怀。虽然这有一点迟了。你要记得。你的竞争对手是自己，而不是别人。只要你认为自己尽了最大的努力与本分，那就可以了。

你记得吗？
你曾经为了无法进入你想去的中学而难过了一阵子。还好，这样曲折的故事反而时间好事。你在接下来的四年竟然过过得最快乐，也最充实。在这里，你会结交到一帮你能够相信的朋友。虽然他们很无厘头，可是你们会想处得非常好。他们都是一群很好的人。要找到这群好笑又好玩的朋友已经很难了，所以这样的福分，你必须感激老天。虽然你知道这样的友谊在一开始的时期会遇到一些挫折，但过了几年之后，它只会渐渐稳固。重要的是，你们的心态不会改变。虽然有时候你难免会觉得累，但是因为你知道他们会在一旁扶持，所以你有了寄托。记得，这是你一辈子都要感激地福气。

你记得吗？
你千万不要喜欢人。因为你被拒绝的几率是很高的。记得下次写信的时候要把它收好，不然有一天会被你妈妈发现，然后还会说你为什么不好好读书。不要犯下同样的错误。如果喜欢你的人不喜欢你，那你也不要难过。记得，千万不要再等下去。尤其是在面对一些没有结果的等待时。但是你就是不爱听劝告，犯了一样的错误。还好，你在前几个月做了一个重要的决定，告诉自己你的人生目标现在是为自己的家庭和事业着想。其他的事情，不要太执着。人生还有更多值得你去努力的事情。

最后，你记得吗？
你会不会觉得现在的你越来越没有幽默感了呢？
你从前的活力难道都消失了吗？还是你真的老了？
你似乎慢慢发掘原来要配合别人是一件很累人的事情。
但是你却不希望看见别人不快乐。在这样的时候，你总会遇到瓶颈。
但是请你要放心。
因为到了最后，你还是会做出选择。

接下来的日子，
你要记得。
除了让你的妈妈快乐以外，
你要更努力地让自己的家有更快乐的生活。
你要对那群曾经帮助过你的人更好。
因为有他们，你才有了推动力。
虽然偶尔你还是很难改掉口不遮拦的坏习惯，但是你要尝试。

接下来的日子，
虽然会有一些孤单，但这是在所难免的。
如果偶尔必须放空的话，那就这么做吧。
因为你也有不想想东西的时候。
还有，请照顾自己的身体。
不要每天都到了４点才睡觉。
人生要以最简单的快乐为出发点。
你不是常常这么对自己说吗？
追寻那份最简单的快乐吧。
我相信，
只要你再努力多一些，
你一定可以的。
在这的同时，慢慢地找回自己吧。
这是属于你的人生。

你一定要相信，
下个４分之一会更加精彩。
加油。

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2010

just shut up

2010-06-02T13:02:00.001-07:00

it feels like a struggle whenever u need to make a decision.
when the decision is made, it feels even tougher.
i should learn the ART of speaking.
seriously.
and the ART of controlling.

i hope becoming quieter would help.

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2010

finishing the 2nd lap in proper.

2010-05-31T11:14:00.000-07:00

一直在想该写些什么吗。
人在写什么时总会有一些顾虑。毕竟，部落格已经不属于我自己了的。
在某种范围下，它必须承受着一些眼光。

回归重点。
今天是非常平常的一天。只不过，在这样平凡的一天里，一件窝心的事情总会让人感到莫名的快乐。当然也不需要怎么提起，但有一种如释重负的感觉。外加一点点的惊喜。各参半。但我必须承认这是一种似乎把沉重的石子丢去的好感觉。最起码，我知道我自己的方向。虽然不太确定。

当然，我也了解世界是公平的。给你一些，也选择不给你一些。我依然感激我现在所拥有的。至于其他方面的人生，暂时真的不是我想理会的。当然，少了这一点，或许偶尔会感到少了些什么。但我知道这是为了自己好，也是为了让自己能更专注，更清醒。

快乐，也可以很单纯。
也可以一个人。
只要曾经努力地付出，
我依然相信会有收成的一天。

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2010

@ its best.

2010-05-21T10:59:00.000-07:00

it is 2am. and i am feeling quite exhausted for the fact that i slept at near 6am the last night. just couldnt get to sleep for no official reasons. or probably because i knew i was going to celebrate my birthday? lolz.

but i wanted to record down how i feel today before i sleep, so no matter what i must finish this entry. (will upload the photos tomorrow...)

celebrated my 22nd (oh yes 22nd) with my jC friends on the exaCt day. it wAs simple. we had a dinner @ somewhere neard orchard and afterwhich we went to coffee club @ clarke quay. having probably the same routine, we chatted all the way from 8pm to near 3am. yes. 7 hours. hahaha. and it is surprising that there were no "cold times". dinner was nice with really delicious mango crumble. (5 stars aka a-must-try.) actually wanted to take a picture with them but i guess theY are always shY. ha. so it is oKie.

10 hours ago, i celebrated mY 22nd with my secondAry schooL cliqUe. the usual funnY buncH. haha. i appreciate the fact that i can be myself and laugh out loud in front of them. we had a cooKing comPetition @ alvin's house. i thought it was quite special considered that most people wouldn't like cooking. ha. personally, i am a cooking idiot. ha. so cooking is never easy for me. i wouldn't go into the process. but i thank everyone for making this occassion a tiring yet HAPPY event. thanks to alvin cause we probably dirtied his place...and also thanks to alvin & ll for the salmon penne; thanks to mervy and jocelyn for the time spent to fry the black pepper and herbal chicken(though the herbal chicken got churned into shreds and pieces after boiling for 5 hours...lolz.) ..and also mervy for sending us home...thanks to melissa and weiying who did a "soft-serve jelly dessert" (which i cannot recall the jap name)...thanks to jiamin and mingwei for the unexpected "well-taste" "fried bread with minced meat" that is in a non-thai style. haha. and of course, the DIY card, the presents and of course not forgetting the "2 doraemons"that are crippled and handicapped. hahaz..

there was something that i would love to share but i didn't had the chance to...it kept buzzing in my mind. anyway, this would be a really unforgettable day for me. not forgetting rachel, who sms-ed me from her "morley" place in very farfaraway land!!

AND~ because of that, i will put even more heart into every birthday of each and everyone of my friends who made this day special and possible. though i cannot promise something big, it will be special too. = )

many great thanks.

smile always
take care
(YanXing)2010

22.

2010-05-19T02:42:00.000-07:00

a few more hours before 22.
wow. come to think of it, i remembered saying "how old" when i heard someone saying 22.
and yes. i am 22. but giving it a second thought, it is not that bad either.
probably time is telling me to become more mature. i guess.

so what were my last few days of 21 like? it was like a roller-coaster ride.
i couldnt be as lucky as i have thought. stepping on something anonymous on sunday caused me to have a high fever the next day. i thought it was nothing serious but it ended up to be a viral infection. it is quite sad to know that you are ill when you don't even know why you are ill. and to think of the fact that i will get skinnier...that is really upsetting. i guess the only positive thing is that i got to sleep non-stop for the past 3 days. it has been long cycles of sleeping...oh and i had a jab on my butt. normally someone wouldn't feel painful; but because my butt is not very full (rounded) with lots of "meat", so it was quite "ouch". ha. i guess i should accept this as a special present before i turn 22.

time tells.
sometimes it tells too much.

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2010

~it'S a hOliDaY!~

2010-05-12T08:35:00.000-07:00

i am having a 3 months holiday starting from last week.
it gets pretty boring if you are not working. but my body ask me to rest. lolz.

slacking is an ART too. hahaha. (probably get killed).
you need to plan what you have to do so that you don't ROT. hahaha. too much craps.

oh. blogged todae because i felt like blogging.
hmmz. i find that it seem to be difficult to be myself.

not that i am acting on the logo of "service before self", but to a certain extent that i find myself losing myself at times. lost at a definition that i do not wish to admit. and it gets quite scary @ certain periods of times.

just when i want to backtrack to discover myself more, there are just more obstacles. queries about why such a change. and more and more...sometimes i don't even know what i am doing. that is obviously not very good. but...i guess this is part of a life experience. that is what i have been always trying to convince myself. no matter how complicated things can get, it is just how we think that makes it seem complicated. isn't it. i always try and ask myself is what i am doing morally right. or am i thinking too much. there are so many OS that runs through within split seconds. probably LOST... okie. this topic is too heavygoing. lolz.

oH i hoPe i can grow a bit fattEr. but not in the wrong area. (like the tummy for instance.) i wonder wHy it is so difficult to get rid of that flabs. when my hands are so skinny. and i found the textbook that i have been finding for a week! Social Studies Sec 3 textbook. whole of Singapore oni 1 "P" branch has it. i am quite amazed by how books are distributed in different branches nowadays. lolz.

had the chance to go to 933 station on monday. and wow. the dj's (pf and dennis chew) are really nice! i thought they were really sincere and friendly people.

smile always
take care
(yanXing)2010

another semester

2010-05-07T10:40:00.000-07:00

YippEE! another semester is finally over. 4 months + in school feels like so fast; yet u can't wait for the day to pass asap. i hadn't been very self-disciplined (i suppose) this semester, though i keep tellng myself not to slack. but can i blame it on the weather?? lolz. cause it is really hot. REALLY HOT.

i hAven decided whether to work or not. will probably live off with tuitions. cause i need time for my eyes to rest. hahaha. to put it simply, i am just lazy to find JOBS. haVe been eating and eating since the holidays started (for 3 days) and it feels...nothing much. just to give urself a pat to tell urself that u finished a semester! lolz.

this week is mother's day. everyone will be very busy with their celebrations, i guess. it just makes me ponder sometimes. i received a call from someone who hasn't called me for a long time today. it feels complicated, even it was only for like 10 seconds. i hate the fact that people have feelings. it feels weak to forgive people sometimes when rationally you are not suppose to. but anyway. happy mother's day to every mother who have did their utmost to ensure that their children live in a happy environment. that applies to my mum of course. = ) ~~ but i am sorry that we don't really have a celebration for her. well. let's not talk too much. oops.

certain things in life are difficult to balance. so we can't expect to have the best of both worlds. being too realistic is unfortunately not too good at times. that was one of the conclusions that my friend and i derived when we were eating after exams. and sadly we are both too realistic. hahaha. and our conclusion was...we came from neighbourhood schs! hahahaz. (oops sorry ah.)

i hope i can hold on to an opportunity. though it is going to be tough. i guess.

it is only when u are at your most difficult times, you seem to realise who are the ones that are important to your life. this semester sort of made me realise that at certain times, we are forgotten and we have to understand that we have to accept it. though it sounds kind of saddening. i guess this is all part of life. we are just part of each other, holding on. yet some choose to turn the tap on and turn the tap off sometimes. according to their needs and wants. clearly sacrifices can never be made in this case. but that is probably too demanding. so the more i should take it back. and eat in my "demands".

oh there are so many people i need to thank for this semester. those who will there for me when i was feeling horrible during the exams (i know all of us does but well this semester is especially gruelling); those who will listen to my complaints at times; my aunty, my sister and my mother who is always there to tolerate my nonsense. (oops, this is not a thank-you speech though.) i am just glad that they accept me as who i am. the one who talks to the wall sometimes when revising and probably sweat 3 litres of water during the hot afternoons. and many more of course. be it a call or a short meet-up during the whole of the semester. it is definitely very important in motivating me to go on... alright.

talking too much craps.
that is all then
so for all those who have ended ur exams like me...

ENJOY THIS HOLIDAY!!!
PLAY HARD = )
smile always
take care
(yAnxing)2010

cycles

2010-04-22T01:59:00.000-07:00

wooh.
took a short break b4 moving on to another cycle.
突然之间被几句话震着了。
只是一种莫名的共鸣。

写词的人，真厉害！

“其实我安静有迹可寻，
只是你不太留心而已。”

smile always
take care
(yanXing)2010

just passing by.

2010-04-12T12:02:00.000-07:00

exams are coming. so to distress. i thought it would be a good habit to blog before i sleep every night. but i really have nothing much to say. my life is quite bland actually. lolz. i mean. as compared to those who are always going 呼天抢地 when life can be much more peaceful.

是不是人长大了就越来越不懂得回到小时候的模样呢？
我希望自己还能够保留那一块。你不需要看见。我也不想被看见。

somethings in life just need that key to solve the whole issue. i guess if the key is never right, cycles become vicious. that is really bad.

一直觉得有些事情说得太明白了，这样的感觉也会随着消失。
如果世界上的一切都要说的太白，那么人生就连保留一丝神秘感的权利也没有了。
少了，就是少了。没有必要挽回。
错了，就是错了。没有必要多说。
反正，从来，多说，多做，都是多余的。

that sounds redundant? hA.

“我们没有在一起，远远的关心，其实更长。”

smile always
take care
(yanXing)2010

when things get tough, u need to be tougher.

2010-04-03T04:55:00.000-07:00

it is finally april.
and semester 2 will probably end soon.
i am actually quite glad that it is ending cause this semester has really been quite "unusual".
"unusual" in the sense that actually i have a lot of "spare time" but i have been using it to do many "useless" things like "staring into the empty space". ha. very unhealthy. sleeping late. like 6am yesterday. and luckily my mum woke me up todae at 12pm. if not i think i will just WASTE the whole day.

i spend the entire afternoon till evening trying to complete a paper and this one is probably one of the toughest i have met. ironically, it is my declared major. but then it gets a bit interesting when it is ending. hahaha. though i am only 2/3 done.

oh~sammi cheng's concert was quite good. it was quite *WoW* i suppose; though it was a bit short and i was seriously hoping that she would sing 出界。cause it is like my one of my top 20 favourite hits in my lifetime. thanks to 933, i got the tix free and i hope i will be able to win another pair of tix soon...(though it is really quite TOUGH.)

Shero is quite a radio-friendly album. My personal favourites are 《你不会》and 《爱上你》。i have listened over my player for 100 times at least. hahaha. *a bit crazy*.

Had chomp chomp last fridae with a great group of friends. *rebel*. just feeling a bit grumpy that i am growing older day by day. but well, i thought it is always a balance. since i wouldn't want to go through the primary to tertiary education route again. imagining spending 12 years of your life studying. oh~~~no doubt it is fun and you have nothing much to worry, it can get quite tiring sometimes. i believe everyone who went through would understand.

i had a chance to come across a few really irritating strangers this 2 weeks and i was kind of fared up by their "gross" look that they give me. but well, i guess everyone is just tired. that is why they need to find a punchbag bob. (*neopets*) so i can understand. i am trying to find one too, but i guess that will be really selfish. so i will probably pour my sorrows to doraemon in my dreams. grrr~~~and someone actually laughed so loudly when i said i like doraemon. i am quite taken aback by that.hello~u mean that u don't have a favourite cartoon character that lives in your heart? that goes to show how OLD a person is okie. hahaha.

i hope that all my great friends are doing fine and that they will haVe theiR briGht future anD find thEir loved Ones soon. meanwhiLe, i guess it is time for me to look back at the piLe of books that is lying on top of my sofa (*20 storey high*) lolz~~~

smile always
take care
(Yanxing)2010

2010-03-24T08:46:00.000-07:00

almost forgot to blog.
ha. i told myself to update. but i guess i just can't find things to say.
or because i simply know that someone will read this blog.
so i "Self-censor" unknowingly.

School is okay. just that it is really amazing how the pace gets people irritated and bad tempered easily..i hope i am not one and will not become one. i am trying not to complain to people (though it is really hard) but well at least i am trying. my targets are or my target is my aunty. ha. cause she will listen to what i want to say. (But then she will add it on with another 500 sentences. hahaha. ok. she is always positive i guess. = ) )

i love to eat but that is quite bad cause it will be really bad if my stomach becomes big. hahaha.
sometimes it feels really dumb to behave like a 12 year old when you are a 21 near 22. but i thought it is ok when you are with really gd friends. that is practically how i behaved yesterday when i was at a birthday celebration at kbox. haha. though it is quite obvious that we are al getting old. lolz~

it is getting difficult to know and understand people. so i rather not do it. what else?

actually nothing much to talk about.
that's life. actually. haha.

but this song suits me...

这世界太复杂，
混淆我想说的话。
我不懂太复杂的文法
什么样的礼物
能够永远记得住
让幸福别走得太仓促。。。

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2010

dark circles...

2010-03-05T12:16:00.000-08:00

wow. 415am. yes and i am still not sleeping. still dared to use this time to blog.
haha. but i thought i needed to write something that would motivate people like me. who are always in need of motivation.

just wanted to drop some really short messages that hello there, our shoulders do get heavier with more responsibilities. we are all trying to learn as we grow. For those (especially the friends whom i am concerned about), setbacks are always around to test us and our patience. don't give up ok. though i am in no position to give better comments, it feels not too good when people around me are not doing too fine. we will pass through. and i believe we always share some similiar incidents (or even though they might be very different), we do share the same emotions at the same time. so do take care...

i admit that it is good to be busy, but do let it out once you have reached the threshold. i understand, that it is not easy, definitely. to all my friends who are facing any difficulty in their life at any period in time, let's all hope for the better and may such negative incidents turn us all into someone stronger.

(*ps: i have 350 rounds of dark circles overcrowding my eyes. i think i will get the champion. haha.)

smile always
take care
(Yanxing)2010

-earLy afteR reCess weEk-

2010-03-03T07:50:00.000-08:00

recess week came too soon. so i have quite a long part 2 before the semester end.
hmmz. but i am glad that things are still alright so far; though it can get a bit stressful, especially with the really humid weather that gets people very irritating. but, yes, i must overcome this really scary weather, just like my modules. haha.

take care
smile always
(Yanxing)2010

看不见

2010-02-19T11:04:00.000-08:00

这是一条没有人勇于跨过的街。
所以，我只好站在一旁，不是想袖手旁观，也不是力不从心，只是多一步，对于不透明的后果，或者令人无法接受的错愕，那倒不如永远站在对岸。与其伸出手，倒不如先放手。至少在手还没伸出前，也不会有被甩的痛。这还真是自欺欺人啊。

我。喜欢坐在巴士的一个小角落。
真的有闲暇的时间时，喜欢望着窗外看着不动的景色。
那在动的，只是人的视线。
当然知道身在这样的国土，要有令人赞叹的自然景色是少之又少的。
所以，纯粹想把视线转移到一个不知名的角落，然后和那一些不该存在的残念一样，渐渐地，随着视线的转移，慢慢被抛出脑后，一并离去。

我不太会用相机。
一部分是因为我对科技这一回事搞不懂，也不想太懂。
但是，我却很喜欢看别人所拍的照片。什么也好，只要有感觉，就觉得好。
电线杆上的乌鸦，
小孩无辜的表情，
在一旁的木屋，
那一片宁静辽阔的大海，
一盘似乎已经冷掉的面食，
火车缓缓经过的那几秒，
那一棵100年也屹立不倒的大树，
那一本被搁置在书桌的参考书，
这一片在冬天到来之际而凋零的树叶。。。
你，看得到之间的奥妙吗？
至少，在我的眼里，它们都是诉说着同样的故事的。

smile always
take care
(Yanxing)2010

the answer is.

2010-02-19T11:01:00.001-08:00

i just don't feel lk slping.
hahahaz.
there are a lot of great songs recently though.
eh. eh. eh. do stay happy everyone.
put a smile on ur little face.
that makes the day wonderful. = )

smile always
take care
(Yanxing)2010

ermermerm.

2010-02-19T11:00:00.000-08:00

erm.it is 254am and why am i nt slping!

recess week.

2010-02-16T09:45:00.000-08:00

i am getting really tired easily nowadays.
i guess it is because of the fact that i am trying to get things done but i often take much more time than i thought i would take. i need to CONCENTRATE AND FOCUS!!!

ok. ha. chinese new year was realli an "essential" break. i needed that to catch up with certain things that i lagged behind. but so far i have not really done much besides going out and that is not a really gd sign. haha. new year's eve was great as i caught 2 movies in a row. anyway, 72 tenants of prosperity is quite funny (provided if you like HK stars though). Valentine's Day is quite sweet (but might appear to be a bit boring in the front...but the all-star cast would be worth the ticket. i like the ashton kutcher and jennifer garner couple; it just reminds me of well.. some things.ha.)

the first day of chinese new year was at grandma's house. had a simple yet fantastic dinner. ha. gambled a bit with my primary 3 cousin and ended up losing. haha.the 2nd day of chinese new year; my sister (who agreed with my suggestion and was the one who paid. haha.) treated the family to another dinner @ a restaurant. that was realli good. but i thought it was a bit too pricey. (can't complain, since i am not paying. haha. but i guess everyone enjoyed it la.) the third day which is just like 2 hrs ago, had simple meeting cum reunion at melissa's house. i wouldn't call it "reunion" cause we don't really meet like once/year. hahaha. we meet like once/mth? lolz. it has been quite a few years since we have been to her house and it is really great that her parents are always very accommodating. (ok, not singing praises.)

and that sings to the end of chinese new year. finally the crowd will leave. and i will get to fill up 1 bus by myself! haha. cause it is recess week! = )

i think i need a longer break though.
i guess everyone wants it huh. hahaha. DREAM ON la. wake up from ur idea. ha. (ok, i am mad.)

before getting geared up again,
enjoy the rest of the week!

smile always
take care
(Yanxing)2010

~facing the truth~

2010-02-02T08:18:00.000-08:00

~urgh. i see 22 coming its way.
~never mind. it is just unavoidable. ha.
~but my heart is still young.
~so i like to think of the good things in my life and well, pour away all my sorrows probably after talking to someone or eating a lot of food.

~i guess i am being silly. silly in doing silly things that probably never gets understood. it is a trap, sometimes. sometimes, i can hear the wall shouting "hey! this is reality. you are not leaving in dreamland!". but i just refused to wake up, going away with the idea that the world is filled with colorful flowers. so it is perhaps just normal to have really wonderful things in your life. your friends, your family, your career, your health, your everything. haha. what an ethopia. but i guess this can be called the silly theory. it is quite upsetting when i get to realise that in fact, no one will be there in actual fact when you need help. is the world getting more realistic or cruel or am i being too paranoid?

i am having this really pessimistic theory that no one is trustworthy and that is really bad. thinking about all this, i wonder whether i am really living for myself? sometimes i just feel that nothing gets appreciated to whatever that has been done. and that makes things really messed up. i am really sorry to offer such a upsetting tone in this blog entry. but well, i might be overexaggerating la. you know, sometimes in life, you need a channel to vent off things. so,ya,, you can choose to exit. lolz.

i should be more considerate. i should be more optimistic. hey! stay neutral!!! (that is something that i am always trying to tell myself. it is just so difficult sometimes. u noe, tug-o-war. ya.)

but after all this spills, tomorrow will be fine again. i know what i am working for. at least i know what i am working for. that keeps me going on. yea!!!

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2010

updated.

2010-01-31T07:11:00.000-08:00

week 3 of sch. going to week 4! = )
modules are tougher. as in much more readings.
so i am seriously grateful for clearing my english mod.
i hope i can stay healthy despite the piling packs of paper on my desk.
i probably need 1 big room for all the books and readings i have. ha.

had buffet @ laoXX. it was quite okay. mabi i was not feeling realli well, so i tot it was juz acceptable. the variety was quite "limited", but given the price, i think it is okay.
i guess i probabli haven been sleeping enough. so i am having this flu bug that pestered me for a few days. i hope i can recover soon.

life is ya, quite tiring. i do agree with that. but i tot we shld be optimistic though. coz holidays is coming! ha. isn't it gd to think abt happy things? lolz.

take care everyone then.

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2010

mine.

2010-01-11T09:42:00.000-08:00

1st day of school.
the usual people, the usual scene, the usual stuffs to expect.
but i hope i can try to be more self-disciplined.
so i decided to run at those really unusual times.
not unusual, it is just those times where there is no traffic.

it is good to be alone in the right place sometimes.
took a bottle of pocari sweat from the freezer.
this brand just reminds me of BMT. if you get what i am trying to say. haz.

being alone makes in the right place is really not a bad idea.
for sometimes, you can forget about the people you want to forget and to remember the things you want to recollect. nah. not living in the past. i mean to appreciate the happy things around you.

oh~being quiet is not being anti-social by the way. ha~
though i think i am having quite a good balance. heez.

i hope things will turn out better everyday. = )

smile always
take care
(Yanxing)2010

life is.not about comparing.

2010-01-07T08:03:00.000-08:00

probably 1 entry before sem 2 starts.

> how does it feel when people close to you are not feeling happy? to a certain extent, i thought it felt really bad, especially those whom have watched you grow up, and they, have probably grown old. sometimes, it is just amazing how people around you change and become self-centered. i hope i will never be one like that.

>>life has been good. enriching. and a journey that you are full of expectations. yet at times, you don't want it to move on. this has nothing got to do with being ironic. i guess everyone have different perspective in their lives. the way they view the world, the people and even each individual. yet how often do we try to understand how someone is feeling?

>>>有时候一些想法是在当下的，片刻的。
事实上，它并没有任何的杀伤力，取决的是在于读者自己的想法。因为想法不同，因为对作者的了解有分别，因为本来存在的一些观点，因此一篇没有任何意义的日志也可以被胡乱解读，然后按照自行推理，接着就是无止境的误会。一个家庭的伦理悲剧，往往不就是因此而展开吗？

〉〉〉〉我不知道，什么是童话世界里的家庭。应该有个疼爱自己的父亲，无微不至又温柔的母亲，然后和睦共处的全家福。。。如果一个人真的过着那么美满的生活，真的应该好好知足。当然也不带任何责怪或嫉妒的语气，只是这样的幸福实在很难得吧。

〉〉〉〉〉因为受到现实的影响，我觉得结婚这两个字是很没有重点的。因为受到现实的影响，我觉得当一个人老的时候，要幸福地生活着的机率只有百分之0.01%。因为受到现实的影响，我觉得在社会上重视你的人永远寥寥无几。的确，这是很悲观的想法。所以我只好更努力地调适自己的心境，把世界看得温暖一些。

请不要再让我对人失望了。

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2010

~it is 2010~

2010-01-02T09:25:00.000-08:00

happy 2010! i hope this is not too late. haha.
2010 has always sound far to me 10 years ago...
and yes, i have reached 2010 finally.

the last day of 2009, i had a lot of fun with my wonderful grp of friends at joc's birthday. quite a wonderful way to end despite the fact that i didnt receive much new year greetings. ha. (not that i really mind, just that well, the festive occassion doesn't feel that right after all.)

life has been great for the past 2 days. how great? sleeping for 10 hours right after chalet. dinner. followed by another 10 hours of sleep. hahaha. not too short, but not long enough to called hibernation.

2010 just sounds special. i wanted to give myself a "jab" to liven up my spirit. but i guess any change to my image would be disastrous. (like dying my hair...UNLESS i can go laser.) hahahaz.

i am glad that i have looked forward and left the unwanted behind me. what i hope to achieve in this incoming year is probably more work and academically related. things that has nothing got to do with that...i don't have the time for them. = )

semester 2 is about to start in 1 weeks time.
hopefully things will turn out alright.
though i need to agree that it will be simply just reading for me.
haha. (probabli getting more anti-social). bleahz.

anyway,
to everyone, enjoy ur last wk of hols before sch starts.
if you have the money, shop till you drop!!!

smile always
take care
(YanXing)2010

~one more entry before 2010~

2009-12-25T08:49:00.000-08:00

it is getting harder to type entries.
especially you know that the whole world can read it after typing, so you will probably hide some within yourselves. but i hate the fact that we have to conceal so many things in our lives. it can be quite a tough challenge to deal with.

2009 is coming to an end. one more week to a brand new year.
i am actually looking forward to 2010. and just because it is a nice number. ha.

2009 is the year when i become 21, but i don't feel 21.
but just as every year goes by, is it true that our energy level decreases? lolz. i hope this is not true because earli 20's should be the "prime age" in terms of energy level? lolz.

there are so many things that i want to say. but. there are so many things that are stopping me. it gets to my throat and falls back again. this feeling is irritating. i guess that is 1 responsibility we have to learn as we grow older. that we can't always express what we want to say. of coz, i mean freedom of speech, there is nothing wrong wif that, but we must think of the consequences at times too. (so u just have a lot of OS!) lolz~~~

christmas was fun. it is always the people that makes me happy. = ) sometimes i wonder how long such annual events can last....(i mean if we were to carry on @ age 60....it will be like??? 10 ppl in the old folks home?) lolz.

2010. i wish i have a space of my own. i wish that i have some peace. i wish to continue to have what i have. i wish to be myself and stay happy and that everyone who knows me is happy (oops. i hope this doesn't sound fake ok.)

smile always
take care
(yanxing)09

lost?

2009-12-15T06:09:00.000-08:00

15th december. i have had 2 weeks of holidays.
to put it simply, i admit that this 2 weeks had not been too rewarding. (not rewarding in the sense that i did nothing to improve my IQ. haha. been slacking a lot. )

but i have effectively been doing nothing much after the last paper. cause the terror of the last paper still has a dramatic impact on me. i am like.......i hope i am not waiting for something bad. ha. (anyway, if you don't understand what i am trying to say, it just shows that my english is really quite bad.) hahaha. i have done some things but i am not sure whether it is worth it cause they are al long-term plans.

就是少了一份踏实感。

probably it is time to pack up and move on.

该是时候搬家了。

may all be fine and well.

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2009

1st semester ended...

2009-12-02T10:35:00.000-08:00

第一学期终于过了。
我也终于有闲情在无人干扰的凌晨时分对着自己自言自语。
大学，我记得，小学的时候，是多么令人向往啊。。。
人们就会说去大学是一件很了不起的事。
家里的人会有 ”金“贴在脸上。。。哈。
然后等到终于有机会的时候才会发觉为何大学会称为大学了。
这是一种无形的压力。虽然没有人鞭策你，可是你依然知道你要好好地努力。
毕竟，这已经是在读书的旅程中至关重要的一步了。

有时候把梦编织得太美丽或许只会让自己失望。
3 个月的时间，我发现原来我那么无法和人好好沟通。这样的相处之道，我好像永远学不会。

让我自己更失望的是，我并没有努力地鞭策自己。当我知道我该好好努力的时候，竟然会花时间去看电视。哈哈。但我不否认，这段旅程在过程中是有一些寂寞的。就好像很想去相信一个人，这种信任很容易地就被瓦解了。或者是我自己的保护色太强了吧。

但现在的我在学府里，或许与世无争是最好的吧。做好自己的本分，努力地不去胡思乱想，不说别人的是非，不去妒忌别人的成就。但真的有一些难，所以我还在努力地学习，希望有一天自己能够不被这些外界的因素影响。

我记得很小的时候我的阿姨让我看了3 个小和尚--不听，不看，不说--我何时能够达到这样的心态呢？幸好一路以来在我差一点就快越界时，总有人会在我身边听我说一说这些埋怨。我的阿姨总会说“为什么要被这么多的压力绑着呢？--的确，我不想被自己绑死。要对自己好一些，或许也要对别人好一些。

好像说了太多无谓的话了。。。哈。
话虽如此，我真的希望这次的考试会顺利地过关。
虽然我已经听过了不下于50次别人告诉我说“你一定可以过关的啦。。”
我是杞人忧天也好，还是太过悲观也好，我想，人，总会担心的。
毕竟，这个决定是我做的。任何差错，我必须自己负责。而且，很重很重，不想连累他人。

无论如何，
最近有一首歌叫“小星星”很好听。很适合在夜晚的时候聆听。
“天黑的时候我远远陪着你，在小的闪烁也努力放光明。”
很温馨吧。

就是因为世界上还有这些美好的音乐，
我的人生才因而不单调。真的。

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2009

~my first 100 metres~

2009-11-08T05:01:00.000-08:00

i am feeling a bit tired. when the exam preparation period is going to begin.
the bad weather is driving me crazy when i try to memorize notes. can the temperature just be lower? goodness. it is really extremely extremely hot.

haven updated for quite sometime. not because i have nothing to say, but because even typing seem tiring. i really i hope i havent lost the energy to study. i am trying my best to find back the momentum. though i guess it will be tough since it is the first time after 2.5 years that i need to behave like a well-disciplined student again.

but besides that, studying beats many many things, i guess. ya, i still have a responsibility to fufill but i hope it goes alright. it is like another 12 days before my 1st paper begin. i need to push harder. lolz~

meanwhile, do take care of urself, everyone.

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2009

it's recess week!~i hear the bell ring.

2009-09-17T05:08:00.000-07:00

wow.
haven blogged for quite a long time.
yes! the recess week is here!
uni.life is actually much more hectic and stressful (much more tougher than i thought of).
probably because of the gear you need to switch, from gear 1 to gear 5.
it is like...wa. tired to the extent of having fatigue.
you can just fall alseep in lectures, when you hug ur pillow, when you lie on the bed...etc
especially when people like us who just had an 8 month break after ORD.
returning to school and study is not an easy job. But, i feel that is quit self-satisfying sometimes when i accomplish work. (even though i would never know how the results would be.) hahaha.

of course i am still contented with life. as usual. hahaha.
*and do you hear the bell ring?*
~it is recess week! a week to catch-up, not a week to REST. as what my tutor mentioned. lolz

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2009

~short update~

2009-08-17T08:59:00.000-07:00

it is the 2nd week of school.
i hope that i can work harder. and don't get too lazy. ha

and i am quite hungry now. grr. nvm my lesson will start at 6am tml.

school is fine. i am having lectures. tutorials haven start.
everything is okie. just need to get on with a better gear. maybe should start changing engine. ha.

oh. and i have to wake up at 6am tml.
i hope i can! = )

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2009

2009-08-10T09:48:00.001-07:00

i am going to begin a new phase of school life soon! i believe it will be more a continuation from all the years i have been studying..probably more like an accumulation and this is the beginning of a final lap...lolz.

anyway, i have had quite 1 month break before school offically started and i am still thankful for the break. i am glad that i had the time to rest and also the time to slack. ha. i caught the most number of movies i have watched within a month. though it is really not much. ha. , , , and are the few i can remember. and i must say i ended off with a wonderful finale!

is a fantastic movie by dreamworks! it is a story that would captivate the attention of both children and adults. it is a touching show. it is just a must-watch. please do take 95 mins of your time to catch the show. there are scenes which would make you teary, scenes that would make you laugh like crazy...realli great. haha. i guess it would be really great to live like Carl. ha

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2009

blessings

2009-08-08T07:39:00.000-07:00

庆幸。
我感到很庆幸。
虽然在我的生命中偶尔会让我遇上一些不顺心的事，
但是却有着这么一般的“贵人”是不是出现地帮助我。
对于这一点，我都会铭记在心。
感激我所拥有的，我所得到的和这么多，那么多。
真的。打从心底感激。

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2009

失忆之前

2009-08-04T03:55:00.000-07:00

我是个挺健忘的人。
很容易忘了一些琐碎事，所以在我的记忆还很新鲜时，我还是把一些感想写下。

曾经拉扯过，
曾经纠缠过，
心里上无数次的挣扎，
最后我想我选择终于自己。
我只会对让我觉得值得妥协的人而妥协。
因为我不想把世界看得太灰暗，
所以我选择性地看不见，听不到。
那是一种懦弱的举动吗？见仁见智。
我还有我自己想完成的事情。
至少在不需要任意妥协的世界里，
我才能感觉到自己真实的存在着。
当然，那种妥协也是选择性的。
而这样的福利只限于我的家人和我一群知心朋友们。哈。

~未完待续~
（因为要去吃饭了。哈哈。）
smile always
take care
(yanxing)2009

-lost in translation-

2009-07-31T10:15:00.000-07:00

11 more days and school will start!
probably what i have always been thinking since primary school. wow. it will be such a wonderful thing to get into university...at least my parents will be proud of me? but well, probably time has changed, the importance of going to uni is not there anymore. argh. doesnt matter.

活在安全区里或许会比较好。
当然偶尔是必须踏出一步用于尝试；挑战新的冒险。
可是，当它已经完全背弃了我做人的原则以及生活方式时，
我又何必为了去完成而完成呢？
或许会遇到在所难免的异样眼光（毕竟现实从来都不是自己能主宰的）
但是在妥协和自在之间，
我宁可选择让自己得到应有的，真正的快乐。
如果代价是很多的埋怨和不情愿，我还是在自己的安全范围里做好最佳的表现，
应该已经足够了。不是每个人都有那么大的冒险精神的。当然，我很佩服这一群人的存在。

（在最后的最后，我只想说人是拥有自己的生活的。如果认为在别人身上投于异样的眼光是对的，那请再三思吧。。。）

smile always
take care
(yx)2009

~transiting...~

2009-07-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

i have to attend a seminar tomorrow.
in fact i am a bit reluctant for some unknown reasons.
but argh. this is just part of the society, part of the world.
we just need to play with this game?
but of course i shouldn't be so negative la. so i still hope to know some new people, get some really useful information...etc. or probably enjoy a gd lunch? heez.

i am moving onto another phase soon.
i wonder how things will go. but it is really true that as we get older, we put more shields on ourselves. i still remember that day when i took like 100 gallons of courage to actually say "hello..."...and i was totally shocked by my shy performance. when was i like so...?

okie. mabi i should realli get down to learn the art of communication.
soon it will be august and phew~one year is over again.
and the cycle repeats...
and repeats....
will it be a brand new start.
once more?

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2009

~好久不见~

2009-06-20T08:45:00.000-07:00

好久没有好好地写一些什么。
今天终于有一点点时间来沉淀自己的心情，让它些许地平复。

反正最近真的事情比较多，但是未必不是一件好事。
怎么开始说起才好呢？

我想人生就是需要我们自己去平衡。
虽然偶尔遇上一些令人很沮丧的事情，我们还是需要坚强地面对。

但是当很多事情已经不再我们的控制范围以内，我们也只能爱莫能助地望着，心里是多么地难受。

我记得看着她的脸，
她的眼眶红了，
我却什么也帮不上忙，
只能在心里默默祈祷，这一切都能够明朗化。

无论如何，我看见了人性的丑陋，也了解了撕破脸的道理。
这一课，或许会深深地烙印在我的心里。

ＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸＸ

在梦境中，我走过了一条不知名的隧道。
因为迷失了方向，所以我四处寻找行人。
终于找到了贤人来指路，

第一个说：往东边走，你可以看见一片汪洋的大海，在一旁有一栋布置得很奢华的别墅，可以在那里歇一会儿。　那里正在举行一个盛大的派对，你也可以参加。

我摇摇头，不置可否，接着走。

第二个说：不然你忘西边走，那里有一座城堡，住着美丽的公主，可是你不能成为王子，最多只能是个陪衬品。

我摇摇头，不置可否，接着走。

第三个说：倒不如往南边走，走个五公里，就能看见一整排的高楼大厦，生活环境非常舒适，可是你必须适应那里的生活节奏，到了就不能离开。

我摇摇头，不置可否，接着走。

最后一个说：好吧，我的建议最好，你就往北边走吧。走久一些，你就能回家了。

我犹豫了一会儿，想想为什么会想来到梦境里，跌坐在地上，然后大哭一场，

我醒了。

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2009

~short.~

2009-06-14T02:57:00.001-07:00

it is already mid-june.
and i will be stepping into uni real soon. grr.
i wonder how it would be. i hope it will turn out realli okie. = )
lolz.

previous week was busy and i was simply not having enough time and not having enough time to revise anything. i didnt even have time to finish my book which i started like 1 week ago (or longer than that.)

went for wy's birthday party @ aranda. it was not too bad; just that i was probably too tired the next day and had to rush off. only reached home at 6pm and went to sleep almost immediately. woke up at 10pm for a short dinner. yes, short. and went to sleep again, waking up at 11am today. that was to the extent of how tired i have been since working and having tuition. probabli and hopefully i can look forward to my 1 month (or even shorter than that) break this coming july. before a new chapter begins.

it will be monday again in 6 hrs time!
jiayou! = )

smile always
take care
(yanxing) 2009

~update~

2009-06-03T05:43:00.000-07:00

have been kept busy for the past week.
and i sort of like the feeling though time passes really fast.
it literally flies. haha.
hope that everyone is doing fine! = )

smile always
take care
(yanxing) 2009

~21st birthday!!~

2009-05-22T09:13:00.000-07:00

finally i am 21!. oh~21. i cant imagine i have actually passed 1/4 of my life?
embarking on 21 years...wow. there are so many special events that actually occurred in my life.

i am thankful for the people who have made my 21 years of life what it has been. Though 21 feels really undesirable, it is still a special age to treasure. i guess. lolz~

of course not forgetting to mention the really sweet presents i got from many. though i actually requested for some. haha. there is a form of "paiseh" feeling within such gifts. haha~
i wonder how everyone feels when they past by their 21.

just like what i read in one of the wishes: "because after 21, then quite hard for people to sincerely wish le..." oh. i cannot believe the fact that i am also getting a bit tired of celebrating my own birthday. argh~ please let that feeling leave me alone. really bad. grrr~~~

特别的日子。
特别异样的感觉。
那是寂寞在近距离地对我呼喊。
那是一种无所适从的无力感。
应该是错觉吧。

心里偶尔会出现一些无法言喻的感动。
然后偶尔却会渐渐消失。
害怕一种不存在的感觉。
开心却又有些莫名的胆怯。
或许只是单纯地累而已。
希望不要不知道开心的感觉如何，才好。

总而言之，大家还是要加油了!
smile always
take care
(yanxing) 2009

~i wonder~

2009-05-10T04:09:00.000-07:00

this weekend was tiring.
till now, i am still bewildered by what really happened. but anyway, i am feeling really lucky that it is hopefully all over.

saturday was vesak day and i actually got stung by a bee. SHIT~~
and then went to jack's place @ night feeling really bad. don't know because of what.
shivering like crazy and i thought i could be some infection or whatever.
the good thing was that when i woke up today, everything seemed okie.
i was just sweating profusely and things got better.

luckily...
wow.
how can i let such things happen when my birthday is coming!
hahaha.

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2009

~几分之几~

2009-05-02T04:19:00.000-07:00

今天过得很悠闲。
所以我的脑子又想了一些事情。
尤其是在跑步的时候，就是爱想。

我认为世界上每一个人都是特别的。
怎么说呢？
就说我自己吧。我可不是在自吹自擂哦。

看。世界上有男人和女人。
把女人删除了，剩下的50%就是男人。
在这群男人里，
一半的人的身高超过1.7米。
所以只剩下25%。
当然也有百分之5的男人的身高少过1.6。

所以只剩下20%。
在这20%里，有四分之一的人是老人和小孩。
所以只剩下15%。

在这15%里，有3分之一已经结婚了，不然就是有女朋友了，不然就是同性恋，
所以只剩下百分之10。

在10%里，
有5分之一是学生，
有5分之二长得异常好看，
也有5分之一长得不算太好，
所以只剩下下2%。

在这2%里，
如果再分割的话，
一半的人不太爱说话。
在这一半的人里，
又有十分之一的人是天生聪明，EQ200的。
所以只剩下0.9%。
在这0.9% 里，
有三分之一的人很爱玩电脑游戏。
有三分之一的人以吃东西为乐趣。
还有三分之一的人两者都爱。
我属于第二类-爱吃东西。

就剩0.3% 了，
如果再切割的话，
还有三十分之一的这里的人爱看电视，
而在这三十分之一里，还有一半的人是喜欢蓝色的。
在分割的话。。。。
就剩拿百分之0。005%...
那么在接下去的话，
所以你说，每个人天生是不是就是最特别的自己呢？

所以，每个人都不要气馁，
我们是最独一无二的个体！！！

smilealways
take care
(yanxing)2009

~labour day~

2009-04-30T08:14:00.000-07:00

yes!!! it is finally another long-weekend!
i have been waiting for it like...oh yes!!! haha***
and it means that it is MAY! woohoo!

things have been going fine. there is nothing really to update about and i am glad to be having what i have now. just need more money, probably. yes, more $. haha.

i was watching amazing race season N on channel 5. then it was about to be left with the last 4 pairs and i am seriously, seriously amazed by their determination and their limits that they can stretch to. their last challenge was the swimming part where they had to swim in this really huge pool that michael phelps swam in. then there was this girl who had a phobia for swimming and just kept crying. only until at last, she finished it bravely with the encouragement of her sister. (of course with a life jacket). that makes me think of the fact that i am a bad swimmer. okie, i mean not even bad, in fact i don't really know how to swim and i am quite disappointed with that fact. because i love to be in the waters, but fear of drowning. so that is really something ironic. well...i guess this will always be a problem. i remembered how i was push into the waters when i had the first touch of swimming lesson in pri.3. i can still recognize the voice of the really fierce coach...that really bad incident that instilled a fear in me at the last few lessons...and the fear of drowning. i guess it will be a pyschological problem that i will never be able to get over. just like how one is afraid of heights. never mind! at least i love to drink soup. though i know they have no link at all...haha. since both are in liquid state. hahaha. ok. i am mad.

well, that is all!
smile always
take care
(yanxing) 2009

~boring awards~

2009-04-26T19:41:00.000-07:00

~star awards 2009.~
i can't takeaway the fact that this year's star award is one of the most boring out of the many held. and i guess the best actor and best actress didn't feel the sense of winning and glory. it flashed so immediately that i was like "huh?"...as if the importance of the award was simliar to a best newcomer.

and "super star" have so little time to speak ah? in the end become under-run...worst than over-run. lolz. all the winners probably deserve a title. though i thought the newcomer and best actress won much more because of luck and their roles that they had. pagie chua & chen liping deserved better. never mind~ i believe that they will do gd next yr.

guo liang finalli won. but i seriousli feel that the host programme that he hosted was definitely not his best shot. he should have gotten this award for other variety shows he hosted last few years. this is much more like a ok..."finally it is your turn" kinda thing.

talking abt hosts, the whole world seemed to be ignoring Kym Ng for the whole night. probabli she is wearing all black? that is why even the guests did not introduce her when commenting on each nominee under the best variety host category.

and for goodness, please stop that BELL sound. make the whole awards ceremony so unprofessional. i expected much much more from this ceremony.

even the guests who was supposed to liven up the atmosphere failed quite miserably. i wouldn't expect zoe tay & ethan ruan to have any chemistry giving out awards. wondered who suggested such a match. at least chenliping & chewchormeng had a more interesting speech that was short and sweet.

and i had enough of little nonya. it doesn't seemed little anymore. don't belittle it okie. haha.
star awards?

please have a much more interesting one in 2010.
oh, by interesting does not mean to have more parrots and magic performances.
it means more laughter and hilarious speeches and a fair-award giving ceremony.

smile always
take care
(yanxing) 2009

~35 degrees Celsisus~

2009-04-25T09:11:00.000-07:00

i was reading the papers and i realize that our avg temperature will be about 35 degrees Celsius. i am very shocked that singapore is SO HOT. even the water that runs from the hose is warm.

how i wish i can just jump into the waters and swim freely. but the unfortunate thing is i am really quite lousy in swimming. childhood memories do play a part in our lives.

went to tampinesOne today and the weather was frustrating. i didnt really think that the shopping centre was any great. in fact, i found it realli normal. are all shopping centres like that-as in all went through a form of Mcdonaldization process? the same merchandizes, the same food outlets, the fast food restaurants etc.okie, probably there will be a few special outlet hiding in some other places...BUT, well, i must totalli agree that this country is flooded with shopping centres. and when one is newly opened, it will be Flooded with people. okie, i am just being complacent. the weather is really bad. haha. okie, that is all i want to rant.

smile always
take care
(yanxing) 2009

~300th post~

2009-04-23T18:11:00.000-07:00

this is my 300th post. wow! = )
but i am posting this on a very very early morning.
cause i am very sleepy and i wanted to take a little break. lolz.
and i am really happy yesterday.
something that made me feel that studies are really important.
even though nothing has been confirmed, but getting the opportunity is already a fantastic thing to me!
i was like "shouting silently" when I read the news in the morning. had to keep low profile.lolz
i called my mum immediately. i thought she would be really happy to know about it. = )
but that moment passed rather quickly, just like how I felt when I received my A levels.
开心地很不踏实。

anyway, i have an interview on monday for a job @ NEA.
because i am actually quite tired of my current job.
need to earn money.
will see how it goes then.

smile always
take care
(yanxing) 2009

~for a friend~

2009-04-22T08:11:00.000-07:00

todae took one day leave. haha. worth it?
anyway, this is something for a friend.
so to whom it may be relevant, take 1 min to read this and hope it helps:

喜欢是什么感觉呢？
应该很难形容吧
甜蜜，快乐，苦涩，难过，不知所措，总之就是说不出个所以然。
但是，如果喜欢一个人变成一种负担的时候，
如果喜欢一个人变得太痛苦的时候，
如果喜欢一个人需要去猜疑的时候，
那放手不是更好吗？
更何况如果之间根本没有任何承诺，那为何要一个人承担这份没有未来的感情？
早一点放手，早一些释怀，爱情从来不是世界的所有。
即时是，难道以后就没有其他更好的吗？
不要唯一个不值得的人钻进死胡同，害了自己，
然后到最后才发觉自己虚度了光阴。没有人会为你哭泣，到时候后悔还有用吗？
现在放了手或许很辛苦，可是未必不是一件对自己好的事情。
我们都要懂得更爱自己。
更何况，还有家人，朋友。。。
人生是多么的美好。
何必为了一个人而难过得死去活来？
可以听歌疗伤的。。。
哈哈。
《放了爱》，《爱情之所以为爱情》，《别再为他流泪》
都是不错的选择。
哈哈。

加油了。
smile always
take care
(yanxing) 2009

LOLZLOLZ

2009-04-18T08:34:00.000-07:00

had a slacking saturday. okie. probabli not to the extent of rotting at home.
at least i watched tv, did some writings, went for a run...
but everything is near home.
the torturing is however, the really bad weather.
i wish i can know more about what is wrong with the climate. gosh. humid X 1000.

-->and it is alreadi april. which means i have worked for 5 months. with the exception of the long break @ taiwan, i haven realli had a good rest. erm...with the exception of taking mani 1/2 days. hahahaz. but well, we are still young, we need to work, we need to earn, we need to carry responsibilities on our shoulders...okie. haha i think i am going too far-fetched.

i do like the times where i get to stay alone. but this miserable weather has spoiled it loads.
the time where i can just really rest. and not think. 沉淀. walking that far. heading to where. goals...i can all forget. and just let my brain sleep. haha. temporarily of course.

-->天气实在恶劣得离谱。虽然还不至于中暑。想着想着，这样的天气，和社会的一部分是一样的吧。或许，也和人的情绪起着异曲同工之妙。天空的二氧化碳，潜伏着的危机，让地球暖化，就好像人的情绪被压抑者一样，殊不知那一天会爆炸。。。两人的差别在于，如果是前者的话，那世界只会面临末日的一天，而后者呢，就算爆炸了，最后理智的人还是会回到原点，就好像一种循环。至于好坏就得看个人的处理方式了。。。

哈。原来，世界的一切，都那么息息相关。只是觉得很奇妙。哈哈。

smile always
take care
(yanxing) 2009

2009-04-12T01:41:00.000-07:00

这两天都异常的迟回家。
一天是早上7点才到家，另一天则是凌晨3点。
然后才惊觉自己已经不是个夜猫子了。
我其实开始厌倦凌晨还在外头游荡的生活。
也不知道自己是老了，还是怎样，就是很容易感到疲惫。
然后也发觉自己离大众的视界越来越远了。慢慢地，开始不明白很多的所以然。
我也不想去猜测，怀疑，就是开始了解放空的道理。
最好可以做到与世无争的境界。哈哈。

也对，这个社会的风气越来越不成器。
再怎么荒谬的事都可能发生，难免的对这个世界感到有些心灰意冷。
但是竟然已经很幸运地来到这个蓝色的星球上，当然是希望能够有意义地完成每一件事。
（希望听起来不要太虚假才好。）说到这里，我实在对一些事情有百般的无奈。

很多事情天生就是如此。对于很多无聊也很无奈的误解，我实在懒得多作解释。我真的很想脱口而出，说出我有多么的不满。虽然说我从来也不介意当小丑，可是至少给我一些台阶下吧。（当然，这指的并不是我最要好的clique，所以请不要误会。哈哈。）

就好像我已经听过无数次人每次在听电话的时候说“ma'am”这样的答复时的无奈。。。请问这是我能控制的吗？还有很多诸如此类。。。还好我还算开朗，对于着一些废话也懂得一笑置之。不然我早就冒火了吧。算了。真的，懒得理。只求那些人能够离我远一点。

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2009

position.

2009-03-27T07:15:00.000-07:00

update...

this week had been a week of drinks.
2 days out of 5.
that is already a lot to me.
monday was tiger beer. erm well. i thought it tasted okie. had a glass of it as we were sort of celebrating our friend's birthday. okie, i shouldn't really put it as celebration la. back home was alright but getting to sleep was difficult. just felt sort of uncomfortable. so watched tv til 1am.

friday(todaY) had a company event to attend. but i onli attended 3/4 of the day. the other quarter was probabli too tired and it was a movie marathon, so i thought i would just give it a miss as i would probabli be sleeping in the theatres watching shows i have watched. MINDS cafe in the afternoon was nt too bad, though a sense of awkwardness did fly in within 1 or 2 seconds, but peopel are realli nice. games are also interesting, at least i didnt had any repetitive one. and for 1 moment i thought having a birthday dere would be nice, but that idea got off 5 seconds later. lolz. dinner was @ our company's area. wow! i am actually amazed by all the biopolis, fusionopolis buildings. they are really so beautiful that i wish i had owned such a building. probably 1/20 of it would be good enough. hahaha. simple buffet but was too full to eat much. it was then i was given a small glass of white wine. irk. it tasted a bit like "vomit" initially but it was okie after drinking a few more sips. 13.5% alcoholic content. fortunately i onli took 1 little cup.

anyway, fusionopolis is really amazing!!!!!
wow wow wow wow wow! but i bet i wouldn't step into that place if i wasnt working as a temp stuff. haha. it is probabli not the place where my occupation would be @.but i want to give 10 thumbs up for the people who actualli built this place! goodness! it is like wow!

and i can see that i am getting easily tired. argh. that is bad.
and that is all i gotta say.
will be back...

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2009

~timeless~

2009-03-22T05:05:00.000-07:00

~i am not carmen. haha. so that cake is obviously not mine. so i am still 20.~ (ok, nt farnie. lolz)

chalet on a saturday week and the fact that i nd to work on monday is realli quite a spoilsport. though we seriousli didnt do much at night, just plain bbq-ing, talking, some mahjong-ing, but i guess it is much the feeling that counts. just as how a family works, there is really not a need to be too high everi minute but it just feels good to be in this group. hahaha. oh, everyone plays an important role okie. and i really think this way. let's not let whatever unhappy thoughts affect this. for the fact that it has been going N years. haha. okie la, i bet there are some people who has a longer friendship than this...

~work has never been not stressful. okie, probably to put it in the right way, it has been quite mentally boring. yes, boring. but i cant leave because i dont hav money and i need to support myself financially. ya lor. so no choice. i wouldnt' know whether i would enjoy the "Back to school" feeling but i hope not. haven done much brain-consuming activities recently. oh. aniwae i will be going "back to school" next week. haha. if i still kept my uniform.

~life has been still the same. routine hasn't much changed as much as i hope to enrich my life a bit. haha. okie. i hope everyone who i know is doing well okie. stay healthy as the flu virus recently seemed to be rather infectious and hard to recover.

till then.

smile always

take care

(yanxing) 2009

~tired~

2009-03-15T07:03:00.000-07:00

i am feeling rather tired today.
this weekend that passed like a day made me felt so tired.
sleep was totally insufficient. even if i had slept 8 hrs today, i was still veri veri tired.
den my friend sore throat came and look for me.
urgh. the fortunate thing is my appetite still remained good. haz.

life has been fine for these 3 months. well, just too fast. and probably don't really want to move
to 21. haha. read a book over the past few days and it had been realli good.

是一本微型小说集。
是黎紫书撰写的。
没有想到她又那么大的写作张力。

记得N年前她曾是我们的主讲者。
然后我就坐在最后几排，每次在听着座谈会时，都只会睡觉。
几乎每一次吧。她说起话来真的有一点缓慢。
可是，我真的很佩服她的写作能力。

《哭与烙印》，《涟漪》，《忌辰》，《失去的童年》。
非常令人激赏的文学作品。

我希望我也能凭借着这样的力量努力地阅读，激发自己的思维。

i hope i will be able to my own weixingxiaoshuo @ the next entry!

smile always
take care
(yanxing) 2009

~a mystery~

2009-03-14T02:35:00.000-07:00

太多的不明白。
今天好像“不清楚”中度过。
请不要，千万不要再有任何人，任何一个，
发生诸如此类的事故。

我的情绪和心情，甚至我的想法会一瞬间地被扰乱，扰乱得自己的心情也忘了。
是少了任何一个也不行。

虽然人生充满着许多的未知数，
但是依然可以有很多七彩的颜色。
我们握着画笔，选择自己要彩上的颜色。
如果不喜欢，大不了重新再来。
人生有多少次的时候是我们需要说
“再来一次”，“没关系”，“会更好”， “再努力”，“加油！”
这些激励人心的话，
永远也不会过时的。
尤其是当别人对你怎么说时，
阴沉的天空仿佛可以变得很蔚蓝。

。。。
平伏中。

smile always
take care
(yanxing) 2009

失败者的飞翔

2009-03-09T07:40:00.000-07:00

“你承认吧。你也想要体验的夸张悲壮。。。”
《失败者的飞翔》-陈绮贞

渐渐。
然后。
习惯。
缩影。
像烛火般。
慢慢一点一点。
发了光亮后，
剩下的残余，
谁还会收拾？

渐渐。
夜晚。
听见。
沉默。
无声的电影。
留的眼泪。
是真实的吗？

渐渐。
角落。
独处。
寂寞。
真实的情感。
疑惑的眼光。
难道是假象吗？

渐渐。
猜疑。
信任。
快乐。
被现实摧毁。
童话故事。
何时让人嘲笑了？

渐渐。
离开。
寻找。
自我。
要简单的。
慢慢放下。
总该看到想得到的吧。。。

“我是我疲倦流浪的太阳光，我热切的希望，能在消失之前得到信仰。。。

《太阳》-陈绮贞

~turn around~

2009-03-07T09:02:00.000-08:00

tick tick tick.

tick tick tick.

tick tick tick.

the economy is going into a recession.
and i wonder how come this recession seemed to be affecting everyone.
even those not involved.
we do need to be optimistic to go through such an ordeal.

life is not easy.
it can be filled with disappointment and grievances at times, but we are waiting for moments to anticipate and be happy about. = )

be happy.
that is something we need to learn to do. everyday.

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2009

-juz go to the point-

2009-02-27T06:57:00.000-08:00

他。
其实开始不了解每一个人的想法。

他。
一直很希望能够让每个人都微笑，快乐。
其实自己很喜欢这样的模式。
不知道哪一天起，竟然觉得有一点累了。

总是不知道最后的结果，总是不知道接下来的后续，
总是等待一些未知数，然后也没有实行。

他的朋友说过：“你每次都是说说而已。。。”
如果没有如果。。。
如果真的。

年纪大了，
人的内心越来越封闭。懂得自我保护。
要了解朋友，其实他也力不从心。
或许一开始也不需要，只是看见的都是惆怅的眼神，
关心周围的人在所难免。
更何况他自己竟然也开始有些自闭了。。。
是信心不足的使然，
还是人生的一成不变。

长大了，
才了解世界上真的没有一辈子这回事，
也不知道那一天就会撒手人间。
放手一搏，
他决定好好看透自己的人生，
好好地重新体会。

天空有多大，
他知道这条路一定不好走。
但是希望这样的坚持值得的。

出发。。。

smile always
take care
(yanxing) 2009

movies

2009-02-26T08:01:00.000-08:00

watched 2 movies performed by jennifer aniston this week.
and

caught the first one on a sunday afternoon with my friends @ tp. the main reason for wanting to watch was because of one of my friends in my clique wanted to catch it. and i thought it is an all-star featuring show. so it should be quite nice. the show is about 2 hrs long or in fact more than that. it is a comedy about relationships and there are 4 main story lines. one about a woman who goes into MySpace, the other lady who always go for dates and hopes to progress into another stage but always gets rejected, the third one is a complicated relation involving a married couple and 2 other persons and the last one about a woman who wishes to get married after 7 years of cohabiting together with his boyfriend.

i preferred the first one and the last one. the first one is funny and sarcarstic at the same time. funny performance by Drew Barrymore, sarcarstic because of the message it is trying to bring across about how technology actually kills real dating and the really-getting-together thing.
the last one is sweet and the performance by Ben Affleck and Jennifer Anniston is natural too.

It is quite a good show, but probably because i held a higher expectation and the fact that it is an all star movie, so not everyone gets enough stage presence. besides, it is not that kind of movie where you will still remember the plot and the lines after watching. so it is probably a forgettable type. Yet it is still nice and you would want to consider spending one afternoon watching.

***********************************************************************************

watched on thursday night with my sister. reason being that i wanted to watch because i-weekly gave it 4 stars. besides the critic wrote really well which made me eager to catch it on the 1st day of its release.

And everyone should catch this show in my opinion. whether or not you love dogs.
first of all, please really prepare tissues if you are catching this show.
it is not really a comedy actually, but it is not a serious-tone movie either.

marley steals the show, although credits must be given to jennifer aniston and owen wilson for their performance. their chemistry is good and marley and the couple makes the story flows really well. it make you seem like you are part of them as you watch the movie. not going to talk about the plot here, but it stretches over at least more than 10 years, talking about the life changes that this couple go through (namely having 3 children, owen wilson getting a job change, jennifer aniston quitting her job) as marley accompanies them through their life journey. light-hearted with a sense of good humour. the 1st hour of the show is like a light appetizer.

moving on the last 20minutes of the show, please get ready all your tissue papers. no matter whether you are a dog lover or not, you are probably just going to tear like anything. as the dog grows older and shows signs of leaving...and the movie goes on to show you flashbacks...certain scenes that will probably make you cry could be:
jenny (the lead character's name played by jennifer aniston) knowing that this was the last time she was going to see the dog, what owen wilson said to the dog, how the dog behaved...

ya. so just let go and cry. dont feel ashamed of crying because i could hear the sounds of people pulling out tissue papers or sounds of audiences crying.

YES. please do go and watch. lolz

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2009

2009-02-25T20:41:00.000-08:00

人的心态的确会随着年龄的增长而改变。
慢慢地，我也发觉到这样的说法一点也没错。

我们都一样。
只是在不同的地方，不同的方式，了解到这一点。
但这并不代表感伤。

我想，
这只是人生中需要经过的一些过程。
就好像衣服还未上色的作品一样，
一笔一划细心地上色，
才能完成属于自己最满意的作品。

虽然说过程可以让人有点难受，
但是只要懂得甘之如饴，
或许也会比较好过一些。
毕竟自己收获的果实总是最美好的。

（PS: 奉劝那些在感伤的人快点醒来吧，不要伤了自己，也伤了别人。）

smile always
take care
(yanxing)2009

-free-

2009-02-21T02:36:00.000-08:00

他一个人。
走在城市的第三大道。
穿梭在人群里，偶尔会迷失自我。
第三大道特别地长，大概有15辆巴士的街道。
街道在傍晚时分最繁忙，上下班的人士都必须经过这第三大道。

街道的两旁，
兜售着林林总总的商品。
街道的最前端是卖唱的街头歌手。
街道的墙以天空作为主题，很是唯美。
如果旅客第一次来来游玩，一定会拍照留念吧。
街道也能够通往“幸福的鸽子”。
这个地方的景色特别的美丽，是许多情侣必定会到的地方。

可是，对他而言，这样的街头已经不新奇了。
自从上班以来，他几乎每天都往同样的街道行走。
再怎么好看街道也会变得单调乏味。

要把整个街道走完，快的话，至少要15分钟吧。
看着回家的上班族就用着这样的步伐，横冲直撞，
从来不欣赏沿途风景。
他，也不例外。
其实明明不知道在干什么，但是却仍然随波逐流。

他也不是没有试过停下脚步。
只不过每次都遇到两种情况，

一，在繁忙时间如果要把脚步放慢一点的话，那根本是不可能的任务。后面的人不是发出“tsk tsk"的声音，就是硬把他推到一旁。这样的你推我挤，让他非常不舒服，所以只好也加快脚步地走着。

二，即使在非繁忙的时间行走时，他也非常不自在。在这样的时间行走当然一点也不拥挤，只是抬着头，望着街道的人群，他实在不习惯。毕竟还是单身的他，看见情侣一对一对地行走，落摩的感觉突然涌现也真的是在所难免啊。

就这样，他渐渐习惯了用自己的方式走在第三大道。。。

（待续。）

smile always
take care
(yanxing)
2009